Feet don't fail me now

I've been trying to write a new post for the last few weeks, but after a while every attempt has ended up just saying FUCK CANCER FUCK CANCER FUCK CANCER. Health wise I'm fine, but in the last few weeks I have met with a reconstructive surgeon which was unexpectedly depressing, I found out that a friend was back in hospital and then that her breast cancer had spread to her brain, and now today I have learnt that another breast cancer friend has passed away. 

These friends are people I have only met through Instagram and Facebook. I've never met them in real life, never spoken to them on the phone, and I don't even live in the same country as any of them, but they are just as important as any of my other friends. I know some people don't understand this, or how news like this can devastate me for days, but we have a connection through this horrible disease that we just can't share with anyone else. 

Kim was the first breast cancer warrior I 'met' online, when I searched #mastectomy on Instagram. She seemed so strong and badass (a term I have never used to describe any one, but is perfect for her). Just days after getting out of hospital she had posted a picture of her drains tucked up under her top so she could go to her daughters school play. Through her I discovered a whole online community of breast cancer fighters. From their Instagram pictures I learnt more about my upcoming mastectomy, chemo, and radiation than from any of the information the doctors and nurses gave me. I was also invited to a private cancer group on Facebook which has been the most incredible resource and support for me. I knew that Kim's cancer had returned and in the last few weeks I considered asking mutual friends if they knew how she was, but I think I was too scared to find out. This morning I learnt of her passing and later today found out that she has donated her body to science and will not be having a funeral. I think this is such a beautiful, admirable, and selfless thing to do, to chose, even in death, to put others first and to be more interested in helping others instead of memorialising yourself.

Then there's my beautiful friend Mariana. A few weeks ago I discovered she was in hospital and not well. All day I kept checking back for an update before learning that her cancer had spread to her skin and lymph nodes. A few days later she wrote that her cancer was now in her brain. I was so gutted by this news that for days I could hardly think straight. The last time I tried writing this post was about a week ago and I ended up bursting into tears trying to write about her, so I'll stop here to avoid doing it again. 

As for the meeting with my reconstructive surgeon, well it seems insignificant now. Basically, the surgeon told me that the best option for someone my age is a regular implant but, because I have had radiation treatment, I'm not a candidate for this so my other two options which involve cutting skin and muscle from either my stomach or back and making a sort of patch work boob. Not ideal but today I don't particularly care. I'm still annoyed that I didn't have a bilateral mastectomy in the first place. If I had, reconstruction wouldn't be so important. I also get angry when I think about the cost of these so called 'cosmetic' procedures (over $10,000 for one, almost $30,000 for the other. And that's with Medicare and private health insurance) but as Kim once said 'as long as I'm here to bitch about it, I'm ok'

Rest In Peace Kim x

Like being hit by a truck. Literally.

Quite often when I read or hear fellow cancer patience or survivors worrying about cancer coming back and ending their lives, I think to myself that yes, we have/had cancer and yes, it could kill us, but so could a car accident, so there's no point in wasting time worrying about it. Well, yesterday I was violently reminded of this fact when driving along the freeway, the same freeway I take every time I go to the hospital.

It was 8:15 in the morning and little birdie and I were driving to my sisters house as we do every Friday, when all of a sudden, i heard a crash and lost control of my car. I looked to my right and saw the grill of a truck a second before it hit me. As it did my head hit the window. Next I saw cars coming towards me as my car was spinning around. I remember thinking 'turn into the skid', something my dad has always told me, so that was exactly what i did. I managed to get control of the car and pulled into the emergency lane next to the median strip. I grabbed my phone, dialled emergency, and turned to see little birdie happily playing in her car seat as if nothing had happened.

I had no idea where the truck went or exactly what happened but was lucky enough that another truck driver who witnessed the whole thing pulled over immediately and ran across three lanes of traffic to make sure I was ok. He entertained little birdie while we waited for the ambulance and police and was able to tell us what he had seen. Apparently the truck had clipped my bumper, spun my car around in front of his, slammed into me and pushed my car along the freeway for 10-20 meters before I spun around away from the truck and eventually pulled over. The truck hadn't stopped or even slowed down so this all happened at 110k/hr. He couldn't believe that little birdie and I were unharmed, that my car wasn't crushed, and that i had managed to get control of the car and pull over, he even asked if i had taken a defensive driving course. He also told me that if I had put my breaks on the truck would have gone over the top of me. The whole right hand side of my car was damaged, but I was able to easily open my door and get out. The left had side, where little birdie was, was untouched. The paramedics arrived first but were concerned that we were in a dangerous spot being in the middle of the freeway so they put us in the ambulance to drive to the other side of the road where it was safer. This was the first time that little birdie got upset. She cried and said 'I don't want to go in the ambulance, I want to go to my cousins'. Soon after, the police arrived. While the paramedics checked little birdie and I out the police got a statement from the witness. Little Birdie and I were fine and the policeman came back to speak to us. He told me that from what the witness had told him we were lucky to be alive. He said he had seen a lot worse from a lot less. He organised for my car to be towed and said it was still unsafe to stay where we were so organised for the ambulance to drop us at my sisters and said he would come see me later in the day to get my statement. He also told me that they had found the driver a few suburbs away.

The police came to see me later in the day. He started to tell me that he spoke to the truck driver who seemed to be a 'good guy' with a clean driving record, before stopping himself and saying he needed to get my statement first. He asked me to tell him in my own word what had happened. Next he had some more specific questions that he had to ask me, based on the other drivers statement, which I could refuse to answer if I wished. He started asking me if I remembered seeing a red car, if i had overtaken the red car, if I remembered seeing the truck, if i had tried to over take the truck, and I began worrying that the truck driver had tried to say it was my fault. After I finished answering his questions he told me what the other driver had said. To my relief he hadn't said I had done anything wrong. He hadn't even seen my car. He told the police that he had overtaken the red car himself and shortly after had felt a small bump. He looked in his mirror to see if he had hit something but there was nothing there (that would be because my car was being pushed along in front of him), and the next time he looked in his mirror he saw my car spinning away from him. He did pull over at the end of the freeway and called the accident in, but at that point I hadn't reported it so he was told to keep driving. Because neither of us know exactly what caused the accident, and neither did the witness, he won't be charged and the police report will be inconclusive, which could effect my insurance claim but I'm not going to worry about that right now.

I've replayed the accident in my head constantly since it happened. Flashes of it are extremely vivid. The noise of the truck hitting my car. Its shiny grill coming towards me. The sound of my head hitting the window. The cars coming towards me. Then little birdies blissfully innocent face when it was all over. I may be having a pretty spectacular run of misfortune this year, cancer, the pregnancy, my husbands seizure, being hit by a fucking truck! But I'm also extremely lucky. What would have happened if I had had my window open. What if an airbag had deployed. What if i hadn't been able to gain control of the car. What if little birdie had undone her carseat belt before the accident? I have to stop myself there.

I won't know what's happening to my car until next week. It is apparently borderline so it could be written off but for now I couldn't care less. I just know that little birdie and I are extremely lucky to be sitting at home with my wonderful husband, so I'm not going to worry about anything else.

Little birdie asleep on her daddy at the end of the day

One week post radiation, two months post chemo.

It's been a week since finishing radiation and I've been, well, tired! I've had a persistent cold for about three weeks now (thank you chemo and radiation) and have been pretty worn out. I've also been dealing with the slightly unpleasant aftermath of Radiation for the last five days. 

I was very lucky that I had hardly any reaction to the radiation while I was going through treatment. I looked a little sunburnt in some spots but that was pretty much it. Two days before finishing, the nurse gave me a stronger cream to use under my arm as the skin was going quite dark and she thought it might break. I was happy to make it through my remaining sessions without this happening but sure enough, I started peeling the afternoon of my last treatment. Over a week later my whole underarm is still peeling and raw. I went back to the hospital on Monday to have the nurse look at it and she gave me an even stronger cream and special gauze to use, but it hasn't seemed to improve so far. On the plus side though, I think my mastectomy scar is looking flatter and less noticeable since finishing radiation. At the end of this post I have included some progress photos so look away if you don't want to see my lopsided chest and scar. As usual I have a photo of little birdie as a buffer just in case. 

So, after having radiation every weekday for five weeks, it was nice to have almost a weeks break from visiting the hospital, but that is over now. Today I had my heart scan and tomorrow I see my oncologist and have my herceptin infusion. I was pretty nervous for my heart scan and wasn't expecting a very good result, so I was very please to find out my heart has pretty much gone back to normal since resuming my herceptin. Yippee! That means I should still be on track to finish treatment in April. 

Today also marks two months since finishing chemo, but I still have one lingering side effect. My finger nails are all bruised and lifting from my nail beds. I'm keeping them painted as much as possible so it's not too obvious. My right hand is the worst as all my nails have lifted to at least half way up my nail bed. One side effect that has stopped now is my hair loss, which I'm very happy about. Every day I can see more and more hair on my head, and I don't think it will be long till I can go out without some sort of headscarf/hat/beanie on. For now it's just a bit thin on top though. 

And now a slightly happier photo:

xxM

Almost done?

I'm coming to the end of my treatment and I don't quite know how to feel. I've had my mastectomy, finished chemo, and only have two radiation sessions to go, but I'll continue my Herceptin infusion every three weeks till April, followed by my reconstructive surgery at some point. Once radiation is over, there's no final scan, no last check to make sure I really am cancer free. There are apparently physical checks that I will have to continue, as well as check ups with my surgeon and oncologists every few months, but nothing to really mark the end of all this. I had cancer. It was removed when I had my mastectomy. The rest of my treatment has been a preventative measure. But even though I have explained this to family and friends plenty of times over these last eight months, I don't feel like I can definitively say I HAD cancer yet. My surgery felt like the beginning of my cancer journey, not the end. 

Last week I met with a Clinical Geneticist to discuss and carry out genetic testing to see if I have the breast cancer (BRCA1/2) genes. I was lucky enough to qualify for funding due to my age so I didn't have to pay the $2500+ for the testing, which was a relief. The results take three to four months to arrive. If I do have either gene I will have a higher risk of recurrent Breast Cancer and Ovarian/Fallopian Tube Cancer, so it is recomended that i have further risk-reducing surgeries. I'm obviously hoping the results will come back negative and maybe then I will feel confident saying I HAD cancer.

Chemo is over, Radiation has begun, but more importantly my husband is awesome!

Things are good.

It's been almost a month since my last post, which makes me a very slack blogger, but I've been busy enjoying being finished with chemo.

My last chemo was a breeze. My husband came with me and it seemed to go so quickly that we forgot to take a photo while we were there. The photo below was taken outside the lifts as we were leaving. I had a few side effects from the chemo, mainly loss of taste and that horrible taste in my mouth which lasted for over a week and nearly drove me crazy, but knowing I'd never have to experience it again did help. 

Post chemo kiss

Plenty of other things have happened too. I've had another heart scan which showed my medication is working and my heart improving, so I have also resumed my herceptin. I have started radiation and had seven treatments so far. My hair has started to grow back, admittedly very slowly, on my head at least. I was finally able to go to the dentist, which I have never been so excited about, as I lost two fillings just before starting and it felt as though chemo was eroding the rest of my teeth away. Two visits and six fillings later I was feeling much better and was most importantly ready for my surprise weekend away. 

I've mentioned before that my husband was planning a weekend away to celebrate my birthday and also the end of chemo, and I knew we were going to the Blue Mountains, but I didn't know where we were staying. We headed off last Friday, after saying goodbye to our little birdie and my parents who were staying at our place to look after her, and after driving for two hours we pulled into Katoomba. As we drove down the main street the view of the mountains was so beautiful that I took a photo through the windscreen of the car. I imagined that we would be staying in a little cottage or Bed and Breakfast, and when we saw the sign for Lilianfels Resort, which is the most beautiful boutique five star hotel in the Blue Mountains, my first thought was 'Wow. That's Lilianfels.' Shortly followed by 'We couldn't be staying there, could we? There's no way he would have booked Lilianfels, is there?' and then we kept driving. But as we turned the corner I saw the main entrance to Lilianfels and my husband put the blinker on. As we pulled in to the drive way I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up, as they are now just thinking about it. I said to him 'you didn't and he just smiled and said 'well I wouldn't be driving in here if I hadn't.' We drove up the long drive way, past the beautiful gardens, the outdoor pool, and the hatted restaurant, to the hotel. I stayed in the car while my husband went inside to check us in as he didn't want me to hear any of the other surprises he had planned for me. When he returned to the car he took me up to our room, an executive suite with incredible views of the mountains (a billion times better than the view from the street coming into town), and then told me we were having dinner at Darleys, the hatted restaurant we had driven past on the way in.

Our beautiful room

Once we had settled in, we went for a walk down to the most famous spot in the Blue Mountains, The Three Sisters. It was late afternoon so the whole area had a beautiful golden glow. As the sun began to set and the temperature drop, we headed back to the hotel lounge for drinks before getting ready for dinner. Darleys was incredible! The restaurant is in the original Lilianfels house that was built in the late 1800's and was just beautiful. The food, the wine, the staff, everything was just perfect. It was the best meal either of us have ever had!

Dinner at Darley's

The Three Sisters

The next day started with an early (delicious) buffet breakfast in the hotel's Orangerie, followed by a rest in our hotel room, and then another surprise: a delux High Tea in the hotel lounge. Looking around at the incredible hotel and discussing how good our dinner was the night before, my husband said to me 'I mightn't say much or make a big deal of what you are going through, but I hope all this shows you how much I appreciate and admire you.'

High Tea and my two glasses of champagne

After high tea we walked into the town centre to have a look around and ended up 'bumping into' some friends, another surprise organised by my husband. That night we them met for dinner and I was surprised yet again when we walked into the restaurant to see another couple of our closest friends sitting at the table. Dinner was once again delicious, and the desert was especially wonderful. 

Dinner at Pins

The next day was Sunday, our last day there, and it began with another lovely breakfast in the Orangerie where my husband told me that he had enjoyed our high tea the day before so much, that he had decided to book another one for that morning. We returned to our room to get our things packed and there was a feint knock at the door followed by a child's voice. My husband asked me what it was and I told him it must have been the room next door but he told me to check just incase. So I opened the door, only to see my mum and little birdie standing there, very excited. My husbands final surprise was to have my parents and our little birdie join us for high tea on our last morning away. Little birdie was extremely excited to see us both, as we were to see her, and I think she enjoyed her special children's high tea even more than we all enjoyed ours!

High Tea with Little Birdie

So, as you can hopefully tell, it was an absolutely wonderful and unforgettable weekend, something both my husband and I were in great need of, and I am a very lucky woman to have such a thoughtful, generous, loving husband. 

Last chemo today!

Today is the day i finally finish chemo. In less than 10 hours i will have completed my sixth round, my last one, and I'm just a little excited. Things have gotten better since my last post, but it did take a while.

First of all, at my last chemo I had to stop one of my drugs, herceptin, as it was causing me problems with my heart. A few days before chemo I had a routine heart scan. When I saw my oncologist on the day of chemo, I was told that my heart function had gone from 61% down to 49%. That was after only 4 doses. 4 of a planned 18. Needless to say i was quite unsettled by this, but my doctor assured me that it was a common side effect and that it had been picked up early, before it could do any real damage. He told me I would need to cease taking the herceptin for the next two cycles and see a cardiologist who would prescribe me medication to support my heart for the rest of my treatment. So last week I went off to see a cardiologist. He prescribed me blood pressure and what he alarmingly referred to as 'heart failure' medication, as well as organising another heart scan for the end of the month to see how things are progressing. 

My  wonderful dad and I at chemo number 5

That very night, 7 days after my husband's seizure and emergency hospital stay, I had to spend a night in the emergency department myself. The day before, little birdie wasn't quite herself and had a bit of a fever. The next day she was covered in a red rash so I took her to the doctor and was told she had a virus and that it would sort itself out. That afternoon I was exhausted and freezing, but didn't think much if it until i was bathing her and started to feel hot and nauseous. Once I put her to bed I took my temperature and it was 38.7. I checked my chemo paperwork and confirmed that if I had a fever of 38.2 or higher I would have to go straight to the hospital. I stripped off my beanie and jumper and gave myself some time to cool down, but half an hour later my temperature was still the same so I drove myself to the hospital. When I got there my temperature was 38.9 and I was immediately admitted, put on a drip, given blood tests, a urine test, and even a chest X-ray (while still in bed. It was very cool) and then given fluids and antibiotics through the drip. Thankfully my blood results looked good and even though my immune system was low, because i was 13 days out from chemo, it wasn't at a dangerous level. Overnight I woke up shaking and had a temperature of 39 degrees but by the morning i was feeling fine. After a visit from my sister, and a few discussions with the nurses, the oncologist came and saw me. The first thing I told him was that it was my daughters 2nd birthday the following day and I had to be home when she woke up, so luckily enough, he prescribed me some antibiotics and had me discharged just before midday. Finally, things were starting to look up for us.

Finally home with little birdie!

Little birdies birthday was wonderful! My husband had the day off work. She opened all her presents in bed with us in the morning and then we had birthday pancakes. They were my first attempt at homemade pancakes and were pretty horrible, but she didn't seem to care. We spent the day playing with her new toys, had a picnic in the sun in our backyard, and in the afternoon my sister and her kids came over for cake.

Little birdie on her Birthday

On Sunday we had a few people over for her birthday party and she had an absolute ball. My husband and I also had a great day and were super proud to have managed to put on a party for her despite us both being in hospital in the ten days leading up to it. 

Little birdie at her party

This week has been full of doctors appointments but this time things are going well. Two days ago I had my radiation planning appointment and was given my start date, along with 4 new teeny, tiny, tattoos. I start in three weeks time, on July 31st and should have my last treatment on September 3rd. We will definitely be having a nice big party to celebrate after that!

Yesterday we went and saw my husbands neurologist and we got some more good news. When we left hospital after his seizure he was told he was not allowed to drive, possibly for six months, but the neurologist told us that seeing as he has only ever had seizures while asleep, and because he is back on his medication, he is now allowed to drive. This was a massive relief for both of us, especially seeing as he works an hour away from home, and because he is taking me on a surprise weekend away for my birthday and didn't particularly want me driving myself. 

So, it's been a pretty crazy last few weeks, hang on, make that months, but I'm excited that one massive part of my treatment will be finishing today. I'm hoping that knowing that I haven't got any more chemo treatments to go through will make any side effects I suffer this time bearable  and I'm also looking forward to celebrating my birthday before I have to worry about starting radiation. 

And now for some entertaining moments courtesy of little birdie:

1- For the week or so leading up to her birthday, little birdie had been very excited. Anytime she saw me making decorations, or even just a picture of a cake, she would start smiling and pointing, would  sing happy birthday, and tell us about how she was going to have a birthday cake with candles on it and she was going to blow out. 

2- When asking her who she wanted to come to her party, she would start by listing her cousins, aunties and uncles, friends... And her cousins pet cat smokey! She did it every single time. 

3- When dropping her at my sister in laws the other day, she saw me put my bag and and started crying. She started saying 'not yet, not yet' and I told her I had to go but she was staying at her aunties. As soon as this sunk in she stopped crying and said ok, and went back outside and continued playing with her cousins. She didn't care at all that I was going, she just didn't want to go with home!

4- Little birdie has also been pretty entertaining first thing in the morning. As soon as she wakes up she is on! She chats away in her cot. Sings songs, most of which she makes up herself. Looks out the window and yells at the birds. Calls out saying 'Mummy. Daddy. Where are you? Get up! Get up! Wake uuup!' And then she starts chatting away to her toys. As soon as I go in she tells me all about what she has been doing, asks me to carry her toys and take her to the 'younge' (lounge) and we have breakfast.


xx

Give us a break!

So I think it's fair to say that I am a pretty positive person. Not in an annoying, in your face way, but I never really think 'why me?', I just get on with things. Well this week, I've seriously been tested. 

***disclaimer: this post contains occasional coarse language and feeling sorry for myself. Only read on if you want to join my pity party. Don't worry though, it's not a long one. ***

I've mentioned on here previously that my husband and I have been through some pretty difficult times. Well this month celebrated five years since his brain tumour and subsequent surgery, and it was kind of sad looking back at those five years and to see everything we have gone through, and are still going through. My husbands brain tumour, surgery, and subsequent seizures. The loss of his mum to short battle with cancer. The loss of his dad six months later. And now, my cancer. All in just five years. On the obvious up side, we have also been lucky enough to have fallen pregnant and had our incredible little birdie, who amazes and entertains us everyday, so it obviously hasn't been all bad. 

But this week we were reminded all too clearly of the most terrifying experience of the last five years. At 12:55am Friday morning, I was awoken by a quick tap on the shoulder from my husband, only to open my eyes and see him going into a full blown, fucking seizure. I managed to stay calm, call paramedics, call our wonderful neighbour who came straight over, keep my husband on his side and safe on the bed, all while watching him thrash around, foaming at the mouth, with his eyes wide, bloodshot, and terrified. Luckily, the seisure only went for about 5 minutes, and by the time the ambulance arrives, 19 minutes after I first called, he had just started to come to. He was given oxygen and couldnt really talk, but was eventually able to walk, aided, to the ambulance. From the ambulance I called (and woke) my sister who headed straight over at 2am to relieve my neighbour, and not only stayed the night, but took little birdie home with her the next morning. Sitting in the ambulance after I had done everything I needed to do was the first chance I had to actually think about what was happening, and the first thing I thought was 'You've got to be fucking kidding me! I'm riding in an ambulance, with no hair, one boob, and a very visible scar thanks to the fact im pretty much in my pyjamas, and I'm not even the one who needs treatment.' They say that you're only given as much as you can handle, and yes, I can handle this, but give us a fucking break. In the words of a great friend who just happened to text me while I was still at the hospital, 'doesn't the universe know what we've been through?!'

At the hospital my husband was given his anti-seizure medication, which he had been taking for the last five years but stopped six months ago (obviously a bad idea). He was given various blood tests and a ct scan, all of which came back clear, and was monitored for four hours to make sure he didn't have another seizure, and then we were sent home. We both spent the weekend resting and apart from being quite swollen, tired, and sore from the sheer physicality of the seizure, he is fine. And so am I. 

I am back to my positive self now. Yes it's a horrible thing that we've had to experience again, but we were also pretty lucky. Lucky that the seizure happened at home, in bed, with me, and not while my husband was at work, or driving, or any number of other alternatives. Lucky that it was unwitnessed by little birdie. Lucky that it was minor compared to the one five years ago. One that went for almost 30 minutes and after which he spent 2 days in intensive care, 5 days in hospital total. Lucky that in the 6 months that he was off the medication he lost over 20 kilo's and became fitter and healthier than I have ever known him. And lucky that even though we don't have his incredible parents around to help us this time, we still have wonderful family and friends who dropped everything to be there for us and little birdie all weekend. So I guess, all in all, that does make us very lucky. 

I'm a terrible blogger, but I'm just a bit over cancer.

It's been ages since my last post, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to write a new one. 

After my last chemo (number four) I felt pretty terrible for over a week. I was given the top of the line anti-nausea drugs, since I had a few days of nausea after cycle three, but I ended up feeling horrible. No nausea, but I felt like my brain was fried. I couldn't think properly, was fatigued, I was dizzy on and off for about five days, and felt quite shakey. The last week I have pretty much felt back to normal, but I've just been so over the whole cancer thing that I couldn't even bring myself to look at this blog. And to make me feel especially attractive, my eyelashes and eyebrows seem to slowly be thinning out, my fingernails are getting ridges and feeling sore like they might start lifting, and I've been feeling like a cross between uncle fester and an old gypsy woman. 

Even while I was feeling like this though, it wasn't all bad. I had the wonderful Alicia who came to chemo with me (who i grew up next door to, who is my friend Morgan's mum and is also one of my mums closest friends) come over and spend three days at home with me and little birdie as my parents are away overseas (they're back on Monday, yay!). Every day she brought delicious cakes for morning tea, which was lovely even when i couldn't taste them, she did my washing, tidied my house, cooked for me, and even took little birdie for walks to go shopping or pick me flowers so I could have a rest. I'm not sure how I would have managed if I had been home on my own in that time!

My husband has also been especially amazing over the last few weeks. He came home one night (when i was feeling particularly crappy) with a bunch of roses, chocolates, and my favourite magazine, as well as a card saying how much he appreciates everything i do for him and little birdie even though I'm also dealing with chemo and cancer, and on top of that he told me he booked a weekend away for my birthday (which is 11 days after i finish chemo), but is surprising me with where we are going. He also had four days off over the long weekend and it was lovely. We got to relax, go to the markets, see both of our families, catch up with friends, do much needed work around the house, take little birdie to the park, plus he cooked some beautiful meals for me. 

So now I have six days till my second last chemo and I plan to enjoy every one of them, even though I have a heart scan one day, a follow up with my surgeon the next, and my husband is going away for two days for work. I will catch up with friends, enjoy some wine now that my taste buds are back to normal, and take little birdie on an adventure (not at the same time of course)

Speaking of little birdie, here are some of the adorable things she has done over the past few weeks:

1- While eating jelly the other day, she said 'Mummy. Have some jelly. It's fun! It's fun! It's fun!' When she realised I found it funny, she just kept looking at me and saying 'Its fun! It's fun!' And laughing. 

2- Playing in her bedroom the other morning, I walk in and find her like this. She is apparently painting the roof. 

3- At the markets last weekend she told me she wanted her face painted. I wasn't sure if she would change her mind once she had a stranger putting wet paint on her face but she was wonderful. She sat very still the whole time and was very happy with the finished product. Unfortunately she was not so happy when we had to wash it off that night. 

4- Little birdie has been spending a lot of time on the big toilet now that she is pretty much toilet trained. She loves waving to elmo, who's picture is on her special toilet seat, but what she loves even more is reading a book while on the toilet. We read 'Thats not my kitten' which has been a favourite since she was a baby, and she now knows the whole thing off by heart. She tells me 'it's ears are too soooft', 'It's tongue is too fuzyyyyyy', 'Its nose is too smooooth' 'it's bell is too shiii-neey' and although the storey says its paws are too rough, she tells me 'it's paws are too spongy!' and then giggles.   

5- She has even managed to occasionally be adorable while throwing tantrums. When trying to get her ready for bed one night she refused to get dressed and instead was playing with her new toy coffee machine. I had asked her nicely a few times to come over and get dressed and she simply said 'No!', so my husband told her to come get dressed, to which she yelled 'No! I'm still making a coffee!' As much as we tried not to, my husband and I burst out laughing. 

Halfway through chemo, yay!

I was planning on writing a new post last week, but to tell you the truth, I was feeling pretty terrible. They say you shouldn't drunk text and I figure you shouldn't sick blog, so I waited and am now feeling much better. I may even have a glass of wine tonight. 

Chemo was a week and a half ago. My wonderful friend Morgan, who I've been friends with since we were both 6, came with me, AND she brought cupcakes! We even got to have a picnic in the sun after my blood test and before my oncologist appointment and chemo, and I love picnics, so it was a great day. Chemo itself was a breeze. I started much later than usual but I still finished at the same time because they can give me my drugs faster now, which I was very happy about. I also didn't have a problem with the giant frozen gloves, or get tired this time. In fact I felt so good that night, that I was able to help bath little birdie and her four cousins when I got to my sisters place, where my parents had been looking after all five grandchildren all day. 

Unfortunately, that was pretty much the end of the smooth sailing. I started feeling a bit nauseous that night, and by the next morning I just felt crappy. I took my anti-nausea medication which helped, but my taste buds were gone and ironically, I had a horrible taste in my mouth that I just couldn't get rid of. All I could really eat were crackers, and strangely Thai stir fry with rice. Despite all this, I still had a nice weekend. 

My husband and my dad finished landscaping our front yard on Saturday while we had some work done on the inside of our house, so little birdie and I just hung out together. Sunday was Mother's Day and I was spoilt. My husband and little birdie both gave me beautiful cards and two pairs of adorable Bambi pyjamas (which I had subtly hinted that I wanted. By emailing him a photo of them. I never expected to get both pairs though.) We were having lunch with my family and decided to take the scenic route so little birdie could have a nap in the car on the way. We left mid morning and drove through the national park, across the water on the ferry, and then through semi-rural suburbs. We saw flower and fruit stands set up on the sides of roads, plenty of farms and nurseries, as well as the odd horse grazing near the road. It was like a lovely, sunny, drive through the country side. Eventually we made it back to the traffic of suburbia and it wasn't long till we were at the restaurant. Lunch was lovely, if not a bit hectic with four kids, 5, 3, and two almost two, running around. It was such a luxury to be in a restaurant surrounded by family, even if it was a very busy and noisy one. Little birdie was very well behaved and even sat and watched Pepper Pig while we waited for our food. The best part of the day though was when we got home. My husband took little birdie for a walk to the park at the end of the street, while I got back into my Bambi pyjamas and had an hour long nap. It was heaven! The rest of the afternoon/evening we all just hung out in our bedroom together and I was able to forget about my upset stomach and horrible tasting mouth. 

(With my beautiful mum on Mother's Day)

The whole next week I felt off. I had to take my anti-nausea medication Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which I've only ever taken once or twice past the first two days after chemo. I found this quite depressing as I hadn't been nauseous at all since starting chemo, and was hoping I would be able to get through all my chemo without the nausea. The medication helped but I still had a horrible taste in my mouth, which meant I was constantly hungry, but could rarely find anything other than crackers that I could eat. By saturday I was almost feeling back to normal. We had a nice, relaxing weekend at home, and even had a couple of picnics in the sun in our back yard with little birdie. It was just what I needed. 

Today I met my Radiology Oncologist. My husband and little birdie came too and played with her new favourite toy, a play microwave her cousin gave her, while I talked to the Doctor. She was absolutely lovely and explained everything thoroughly. I will have radiation five days a week for 5-6 weeks to my whole left chest wall, part of my neck, and I think my underarm where my lymph nodes were removed. The whole procedure should only take an hour or so, but i haven't worked out what I'm going to do with little birdie for that time. Im exhausted just thinking about it. Anyway, back to the point. My Doctor talked me through the side effects that I was aware of, like fatigue and the possible sunburn like burn to the treated skin, but also discussed long term side effects that I had no idea about, including a higher risk of lymphedema, and possible damage to my heart and lungs down the track. She made a point of telling me that they are hesitant to use radiation treatment on younger patients unless absolutely necessary, as these problems can effect them negatively later in life, whereas a patient in their 50's or 60's realistically won't have as long for these problems to develop, but in my case the benefits and need obviously outweighs the risk. After all, i think it's more important to make sure I make it to my 60's before we start worrying about what side effects might pop up then.

I've decided to start ending my posts with a list of a few adorable things little birdie has said and done. This week there have been quite a few, in between throwing the not so odd tantrum. Those terrible twos are definitely on their way, what timing!

1- After waking up from her nap the other day, I asked her, as i often do, if she had had any dreams. She told me she had, and when I asked her what she dreamt about, she said 'Daddy'. I almost cried, it was so lovely!

2- Speaking of dreams, just last night she was playing with my hair brush (I certainly don't need it right now). She was running her hand over the bristles and said 'It feels nice'. I responded by saying 'Really? What does it feel like?' And she said 'Dreams. It feels like dreams mummy'.

3- While playing in her bedroom, little birdie has continued to 'read' her books, but has started saying 'once upon a time' as she flips through the pages, and even makes the same sound effects that I do when reading them to her. 

4- She also did this:

(Fell asleep on my sleeping husband, halfway through 'painting' on the iPad) 

5- And this:

6- And this:

A lovely day.

Today was a wonderful day. Nothing excessive. Nothing fancy. Just one of those perfectly lovely days, spent with my little birdie. And I figure, this blog is full of descriptions about cancer treatment, side effects and so on, so I wanted to write an almost cancer free post.

Seeing as tomorrow is chemo number three, and I'll possibly be spending the next few days feeling a bit average, I wanted to do something to make the most of today, this whole week really. Yesterday we spent the day at my sisters where little birdie had a ball playing with her cousins. That afternoon we picked my husband up from the train station when he finished work, but we got there a bit early. Instead of just waiting in the car like we usually would, I decided to take her down to the station platform. She loved everything about it! Riding down in the glass lift, walking along the long platform, and especially watching the train come in and looking for her daddy through the carriage doors. On a bit of a side note- My dad takes my sisters two eldest children, 5 and 3, on an 'adventure' every week. They catch the ferry into the city and then the train home to my sisters, stoping along the way to explore anything from tourist attractions, to toy shops, parks we used to play in as kids, museums etc, and they have an absolute ball. So today, when my husband suggested little birdie and I take the bus over to a friends place when I was carless, I jumped at the chance to take her on her first bus ride.

After a relaxed morning, little birdie had her nap and I got everything in order. I packed our bags, lunch, and her backpack, and planned our journey. We were only travelling to the next suburb, but that made it no less of an adventure. When she woke up we walked in the sun to the bus stop, just up the street. She pointed out birds, told me all about the different coloured flowers we saw, saw puppies, very messily ate her jam sandwiches, and then waited for the bus. When she saw it come around the bend she stared at it with both her eyes and mouth wide open. We were the only passengers on the bus and the driver, Colin, was absolutely lovely. He asked all about little birdie, some questions she even answered herself, and he didn't seem to be in a rush to drive off either. When we finally took off she seemed a lot more nervous than I expected. At first she sat on the seat right beside me but after going around a sharp bend, she sat, or rather laid, in my lap. We arrived at our first destination, the train station, Colin made the people about to get on the bus wait and move aside so little birdie and I could get off safely. From here we began walking to our friends house. Again, little birdie loved describing everything she was seeing. This time, as we were walking along the main road, she also had plenty of trucks and 'big cars' to point out.

After about ten minutes walking we arrived at my friends place. She has a son who is a few months old than little birdie as well as a newborn baby, so little birdie was thoroughly entertained all afternoon. And we had a lovely afternoon too, full of tea and cake. My husband picked us up on his way home from work and not only was little birdie very excited to see her daddy, but my friends son (who hardly knows my husband) also seemed quite excited. He gave my husband a tour of the backyard, and when they came back inside, he was in my husbands arms hugging him. Then, as I got in our car, I saw a big pink bag on my seat, inside which was a box full of decadent cupcakes. What else could I want?

When we arrived home the three of us relaxed, and played, for an hour, and then i started to get dinner ready. We all ate together, then I took little birdie for her bath, but before she got in she insisted on using her potty (and did successfully) for the second time today. After the bath she came and sat with my husband and I, brushed her teeth, got dressed, and then spent 10 minutes 'reading' us her Aussie alphabet book. This involved pointing at the pictures and telling us what they were: 'Barbecue' 'Echidna' 'Frog' ' Horsie' 'Ice cream' 'Lizard' 'Quoll' 'Wombat' and 'Yabby'. And after that she had a bottle and went straight to bed.

So, like I said earlier, today was a lovely day. A day where I didn't think about having cancer, instead I though about being a mum and enjoyed the little things that seem so wonderful to my little birdie.

Chemo brain, frozen fingers, and fatigue

It's been two weeks since chemo number two and I'm feeling good, but it's been a busy two weeks, hence the long wait for a new post.

My sister and 12 week old nephew were my chemo buddies this time around, and, apart from the fact that my chemo brain was in full swing and I apparently kept repeating myself, which my sister was too embarrassed to point out, we had a lovely day. I seemed to react differently to the chemo this time though.

The frozen gloves that I wore, without a problem, last time were extremely cold and painful this time. My left pinkie and ring finger felt like cement and were absolutely throbbing and frozen so I ended up taking the gloves off, and now the tip of my pinkie is still numb.

The other big difference was that I got tired, really really tired, before I even finished receiving the chemo. Afterwards we went back to my sisters place and I could hardly keep my eyes open. The next three days I was so tired I could hardly function. The worst day was the saturday, two days after chemo. It was raining and absolutely freezing. No matter what I wore I couldn't get warm. At one point I had on a long sleeve top, a jumper, my husbands warmest hoodie (with the hood on), a beanie, and a scarf, and I was still cold. And as much as i tried, I just couldn't get warm or stay awake. The following day was my nieces third birthday party and, luckily enough, I was feeling a bit better so little birdie, my husband, and I went. There was an adorable petting zoo and little birdie absolutely loved seeing all the animals. All she talked about for the next few days was watching her cousin feeding the baby lamb with a bottle. Although I was feeling better than I had been, I was still feeling off. I was in a bit of a daze and felt like I was in a bubble, separate from everyone else. It was the first time I've been in a big group of people i know since losing my hair which I think added to this feeling, even though I was wearing my favourite scarf and fringe.

I've had a few other small side effects this time. I've had some pimples like last time, mainly on my scalp (a balding scalp plus pimples, how attractive) but not anywhere near as bad as they were before. I'm still trying to get my stomach sorted but unfortunately I'm either constipated or the total opposite, neither if which are fun, but I haven't had any nausea or vomiting so I'm happy. Also, I did start to get a bit of a sore on my tongue a few days ago, but luckily it reminded me that I have to wash my mouth out after every meal (which I'd kind of forgotten since my last treatment) and it has disappeared. My hair has continued to fall out, in much smaller pieces since shaving my head, and this afternoon I noticed that a clump of my eyelashes have fallen out. I'm hoping its just a coincidence and not a sign that the rest will fall out too, but I'll just have to wait and see.

Little birdie has been adorable as usual, but a but cheeky lately which has been tiring. On the other hand, she has been especially good when it comes to going to bed at night and nap time, and even asked to go to sleep before her nap the other day, so I'm not complaining.

Right now I'm looking forward to the next week. We are catching up with friends this weekend and hopefully I'll be doing the same next week until chemo on Thursday.

Bye bye hair

The inevitable has finally happened. My hair is gone.

It started falling out a week ago, which coincidentally was the same day i finally went wig shopping. On Monday night I noticed a little more hair than usual coming out when I brushed it. I wasn't sure if it really was my hair falling out or not, so I pretty much spent the next hour putting my fingers through my hair until I actually pulled a small chunk out. It almost felt like I was pulling Velcro off my scalp. I wasn't tugging at it, I just pulled lightly and I heard it coming away from the roots.

From then on, every time I touched my hair, more and more would fall out. By the end if the week i had a whole bin full of hair! On Thursday night I noticed bald patches at both of my temples but I still wasn't ready for the big shave. By Friday afternoon it had gotten so bad that I put a thick headband on before my husband got home because I didn't want him to freak out when he saw me. When I woke up on Saturday morning I looked absolutely ridiculous and knew it was time. I've read about people having family over, a party, or shaving their heads at the hairdresser with a bottle of wine, but I didn't have time for that. It was 9am and I couldn't handle looking like George Costanza for another minute. I sat down in the bathroom, put on some Lana Del Ray, and my husband got to work. Little Birdie sat in my lap and watched on totally amazed while my head was being shaved. She even picked up one of the (plastic) shaver attachments and pretended to shave her head too.

Then, when my husband was finished, and I was totally bald, I got to shave his head. We had talked about him shaving his head with me, but he doesn't have much hair because he shaves it regularly, so I thought he was only joking. I was surprised at how good shaving his head made me feel, as did seeing our matching hair styles. Since then I have been experimenting with all kinds of head wear, and trying to get used to seeing my very white scalp. It's been too hot to wear my wig but I did get a fringe wig thingy which I love!

Tomorrow will be three weeks since my first round of chemo and two days till round two. I'm hoping I handle it as well as I did last time, but I guess we won't know till my next post. Wish me luck.

Happy Easter & chemo week one

It's been a week since my first chemo and I'm still waiting to feel sick, which is quite a strange feeling. Chemo itself was surprisingly lovely. My husband came with me, we watched a movie, chatted with other patients, were given yummy snacks, and all in all had a nice day. All the nurses, and even the pharmacist, were great. They spent plenty of time explaining my medications and how I would feel in the days after my treatment. I was in a great mood, so much so that my breast care nurse told my husband that I was 'on a high' from the steroids I'd been taking, and that in two days time I would have a big low as they left my system. I didn't quite believe her and thought she was just surprised at how well I am handling everything, but just to be safe I organised for my mum to be home with me that day. Unsurprisingly I was totally fine that day, and every day since. (I hope I haven't just jinxed myself by saying that.)

I have had a few side effects so far, but not really the ones I was expecting. The first thing i noticed was that my taste buds have started to change a little bit. I only notice when I eat certain foods, like citrus, but the most notable is chocolate. and it's Easter. Can you believe that? The next side effect i noticed was my skin. I've started to break out like a pimply teenager! I have horrible red pimples on my face, neck, chest, and even arm. This was totally unexpected but Little birdie seems amused by it. We sing a song about spots when playing sometimes, and she's been singing it to me and pointing at them. I've also had a very upset stomach for the last three days, which hasn't been pleasant. We were supposed to go out for Good Friday but couldn't because of it. Luckily it was better yesterday, during the day at least, so we were able to go to my sisters for a big Easter lunch. It was lovely, and delicious, and little birdie had a ball. While we were there I noticed that my left palm has started too feel a bit numb, like I've fallen over and stopped myself with it. This is apparently nerve damage from the chemo drugs. Lovely. Apart from that we had a great day. We even had a visit from our neighbours in the afternoon who gave us a beautiful plant as a welcome present and also to let us know that they are there to help anytime we need.

We also received some good news yesterday about ivf. We now have 9 embryos frozen, ready for us when we are able to continue our family, which is a great result.

All in all its been a great week, and the best thing has been Little Birdie. She has just been so happy and affectionate and entertaining, and easy! Bed times have been a breeze, and when I've been tired she has played happily by herself while I've rested on the lounge. She is such a smart little girl. She even spent 5 minutes entertaining my husband, dad, and I yesterday singing a made up song about chickens! Almost every single day my husband and I find ourselves saying how lucky we are. Having her more than makes up for all the bad luck we've had.

Ivf is done, chemo is just about to begin.

I'm not feeling too great tonight as my ovaries have taken a beating today, and I start chemo tomorrow, but I've actually had a pretty wonderful week up until today. It was my husband's fortieth birthday on friday and we spent pretty much most of the week celebrating, going to two concerts and having two parties, in between all of our ivf appointments that is.

On Monday night I took my husband to see Bruce Springsteen and it was incredible especially when you consider he is 63 years old! We had great seats but never really sat down as we were on our feet dancing for most of the show, which went for almost 3hrs. Most of the songs went for 10 minutes, he and the entire band which included a full brass section were doing little dances, he crowd surfed, and did a move on stage that I can't even describe so I have included a photo at the end of this post, but the best part of the whole night was when my husband kept turning to me saying 'best birthday ever'.

Friday was my husband's actual birthday. We had a lovely morning at home and then little birdie and i drove him into work. He had no idea that his wonderful boss, and friend, was throwing him a surprise birthday party which we were secretly invited to. Of course little birdie was the centre of attention (see photo below) and we all had a great time.

On Saturday we had all the family over for a big BBQ/pool party. Unfortunately it was almost ruined by a call i received from ivf as all our guests were arriving. First they asked me if I could postpone my chemo (which was booked in for 3 days time), then they told me my egg collection would be a day earlier than previously planned, then they reminded me of a medication that, unlike everything else I had had to take previously, had to be purchase from a specialised chemist, that day, in the next few hours, from 40 minutes away! I got so worked up that I ended up hiding in my cupboard for a few minutes before I could go out to greet our guests. Luckily it all worked out. I calmed down and my dad and brother went and picked up the medication for me without even being asked. The rest of the day, and night, were a ball.

Then on Sunday night, two of my husbands best friends and I managed to surprise him again by taking him to a secret gig of one of his favourite bands, Leonardo's Bride, that haven't played for twelve years. He had no idea they had reformed and, needless to say we, and more importantly he, had a great night. We also stayed the night in a hotel in the city for the night as my ivf was booked for the next morning so it was a fabulous weekend all round.

Now to the ivf.
Saturday morning was my last ultrasound which showed i had 25 follicles in my very enlarged ovaries (see photo below), which I was quite happy about. Saturday night, I injected myself with my two 'trigger' injections, and was told to be at the ivf clinic exactly 36hrs later to have my eggs collected. We arrived at 6:30am this morning for a 7am procedure. I hadn't really thought about what it would feel like to have my eggs retrieved. I think I assumed it would be about as uncomfortable as a Pap smear, but I was very wrong. I was injected with some pain relief, the internal ultrasound probe was inserted, and then the dr took a needle that was at least 30cm long, and inserted it in you know where, all the way to my ovaries. It was excruciating and felt like the pain of the worst ever urinary tract infection. Eventually the medication brought a bit of relief and I was able to focus enough to look at the ultrasound screen to see the needle go into my follicles and drain the fluid which contains the eggs. The fluid drained into test tubes that were on the table next to me and i watched it change from clear, to pink, to red, which was a bit disturbing. The sharp pain from the needle kept coming and going, and I could feel the dull ache of the ultrasound probe. It wasn't all bad though. We had a Scientist in the room with us which was very cool. He would collect a test tube of fluid, take it over to his microscope which was inside what looked like a humidi crib complete with arm holes, and find each egg, all of which we got to watch on a big tv screen. He managed to find 23 eggs, a number which seemed to impress everyone in the clinic. In recovery he explained to us that in traditional ivf the eggs are put in a dish with the sperm and left alone to fertilise. For us though, they would use a process called icsi, where they inject the sperm directly into the eggs. This would give us an even better chance of having healthy embryos which was important as we won't have another chance to harvest eggs before chemo. In five days time they will freeze all suitable embryos and store them for future use so we can give little birdie a little birdie or sparrow to play with one day.

I spent most of the day resting at home as directed. I originally thought this seemed unnecessary but like i said, i totally underestimated the procedure. I have had pretty bad cramping pain all day and am so swollen that I look six months pregnant, which isn't hard to believe seeing as my ovaries are about four times their regular size from housing all those eggs! I did have to do a few things to prepare for chemo tomorrow though, so i couldn't spend the whole day resting. I saw my oncologist earlier today for my final check up before chemo, I started my steroids- ugh, and this afternoon I had to go pick up another medication before going to the GP to have it administered. It was an implant that had to be injected by a pen-refill-sized needle which will stop me ovulating while undergoing chemo. This is just another precaution that will give us even more of a chance to have another baby down the track by protecting my ovaries from the damage that chemo can do to them.

Anywho, it's now midnight and 10 hours till I start chemo, so I am going to go to bed. I'm not sure how likely it will be that I will go to sleep but I may as well try. Wish me luck!

The incredible Bruce Springsteen

Literally the centre of attention

Ovaries, baby!

Life's not fair, but it sure is beautiful.

My new most hated phrase: 'But you look too young to have breast cancer'

I'm really starting to get sick of hearing this. I guess I understand people thinking this, but i still get surprised when someone actually says it, especially health professionals like doctors, nurses, and even sonographers. And what am I supposed to respond with? 'Yes I am too young to have breast cancer', 'Actually I must be older than you think', 'cancer doesn't discriminate'? Surely these people have some sense to know that telling me this is not a compliment, nor is it helpful. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better, and it just reminds me of how shit this whole situation is. At first I didn't mind too much. I guess it was a little comforting knowing that other people were as shocked as I was about my cancer, but I'm over it now. It's just the way things are. Every time I have to explain my situation to a new person, I don't need to be reminded of how ridiculous this all is. I was almost going to say 'how unfair' this is, but I stopped myself. As an adult I have learnt that there are few things 'fair' in life. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad. Incredibly strong and wonderful people can be taken from us by cancer, among many other things, and 'fairness' just doesn't come into it.

People keep telling me I am strong, and brave, but I don't know if that is true. I think I am just realistic, and maybe a little desensitised. You see, my husband and I have been through quite a lot over the last five or so years, and were unfortunately prepared for facing this kind of thing.

At the age of 22, after being married for only eight months, my husband was diagnosed with a massive brain tumour, a meningeoma the size of an orange. Watching my new husband entertain all his visitors, and fellow patients while in hospital, awaiting surgery, was inspiring. Even though he was facing one of the most terrifying things someone can be diagnosed with, his main concern was not himself, but assuring his family and friends that everything would be ok. Lucky enough for us, it wasn't cancer, but he still had to endure a 10+hr surgery to remove the tumour, as well as a small section of skull that it had fused to. Eight weeks after his surgery, he was told to reduce his anti seizure medication. At 5am one morning, he tapped me on my shoulder and woke me up. I sat up just in time to witness the most terrifying thing I have ever seen, my husband having a seizure. A grand mal seizure that only stopped once, for a few seconds, in the 27 minutes that it took for the ambulance to arrive. He spent a day in intensive care, five more in the high dependency ward, and was once again sent home. When he was given the all clear from his neurosurgeon six months later, we thought we had had all the bad luck a newly married couple could have and would be set to enjoy an uneventful life.

Unfortunately, only a few months later, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was in her bones, her brain, her lungs... My husband had always been extremely close with his mum, not in a mammas boy kind of way, but everyone who met him just knew it. No matter what he did, he always wanted to help his mum, and she was the same. She would do anything for her family, her friends, her children, and her beloved grandchildren. In the space of twelve weeks we watched the strongest, bravest, most incredible woman fight for her life. She refused to consider not making it, and even made sure she was well enough to get out of hospital to see my husbands band play its first gig since he himself had been in hospital. Unfortunately it doesn't matter how strong you are, when your body is riddled with that much cancer, it is terminal. Helping care for her, especially in the last few weeks of her life, was an honour. Devastatingly, six months after her death my wonderful father-in-law also passed away. Up until that point in my life I had never really been exposed to anyone being sick or dying. I soon learnt that death is an unavoidable part of life. It isn't scary or spooky, it doesn't matter how much of a loving, amazing person you are, it will happen to you. And it is rarely fair.

So as i was saying, there is nothing 'fair' about anyone having cancer, be it a child, teenager, or adult. Life is not fair, so saying it is 'unfair' for me to have cancer seems a bit self indulgent. But life is also beautiful. I have an incredible little girl that makes me laugh and smile, and think how lucky I am every day. I have a loving, supportive husband, who makes me forget that I have cancer, and a scar across my lopsided chest. I have amazing parents, sister, sister-in-law, family and friends, who are doing everything possible to help me through this crappy time. So, it's not all doom and gloom, and there are plenty of things to be happy about. Right now, cancer is simply part of my (and my family's) life. But hopefully it won't be forever.