Ivf is done, chemo is just about to begin.

I'm not feeling too great tonight as my ovaries have taken a beating today, and I start chemo tomorrow, but I've actually had a pretty wonderful week up until today. It was my husband's fortieth birthday on friday and we spent pretty much most of the week celebrating, going to two concerts and having two parties, in between all of our ivf appointments that is.

On Monday night I took my husband to see Bruce Springsteen and it was incredible especially when you consider he is 63 years old! We had great seats but never really sat down as we were on our feet dancing for most of the show, which went for almost 3hrs. Most of the songs went for 10 minutes, he and the entire band which included a full brass section were doing little dances, he crowd surfed, and did a move on stage that I can't even describe so I have included a photo at the end of this post, but the best part of the whole night was when my husband kept turning to me saying 'best birthday ever'.

Friday was my husband's actual birthday. We had a lovely morning at home and then little birdie and i drove him into work. He had no idea that his wonderful boss, and friend, was throwing him a surprise birthday party which we were secretly invited to. Of course little birdie was the centre of attention (see photo below) and we all had a great time.

On Saturday we had all the family over for a big BBQ/pool party. Unfortunately it was almost ruined by a call i received from ivf as all our guests were arriving. First they asked me if I could postpone my chemo (which was booked in for 3 days time), then they told me my egg collection would be a day earlier than previously planned, then they reminded me of a medication that, unlike everything else I had had to take previously, had to be purchase from a specialised chemist, that day, in the next few hours, from 40 minutes away! I got so worked up that I ended up hiding in my cupboard for a few minutes before I could go out to greet our guests. Luckily it all worked out. I calmed down and my dad and brother went and picked up the medication for me without even being asked. The rest of the day, and night, were a ball.

Then on Sunday night, two of my husbands best friends and I managed to surprise him again by taking him to a secret gig of one of his favourite bands, Leonardo's Bride, that haven't played for twelve years. He had no idea they had reformed and, needless to say we, and more importantly he, had a great night. We also stayed the night in a hotel in the city for the night as my ivf was booked for the next morning so it was a fabulous weekend all round.

Now to the ivf.
Saturday morning was my last ultrasound which showed i had 25 follicles in my very enlarged ovaries (see photo below), which I was quite happy about. Saturday night, I injected myself with my two 'trigger' injections, and was told to be at the ivf clinic exactly 36hrs later to have my eggs collected. We arrived at 6:30am this morning for a 7am procedure. I hadn't really thought about what it would feel like to have my eggs retrieved. I think I assumed it would be about as uncomfortable as a Pap smear, but I was very wrong. I was injected with some pain relief, the internal ultrasound probe was inserted, and then the dr took a needle that was at least 30cm long, and inserted it in you know where, all the way to my ovaries. It was excruciating and felt like the pain of the worst ever urinary tract infection. Eventually the medication brought a bit of relief and I was able to focus enough to look at the ultrasound screen to see the needle go into my follicles and drain the fluid which contains the eggs. The fluid drained into test tubes that were on the table next to me and i watched it change from clear, to pink, to red, which was a bit disturbing. The sharp pain from the needle kept coming and going, and I could feel the dull ache of the ultrasound probe. It wasn't all bad though. We had a Scientist in the room with us which was very cool. He would collect a test tube of fluid, take it over to his microscope which was inside what looked like a humidi crib complete with arm holes, and find each egg, all of which we got to watch on a big tv screen. He managed to find 23 eggs, a number which seemed to impress everyone in the clinic. In recovery he explained to us that in traditional ivf the eggs are put in a dish with the sperm and left alone to fertilise. For us though, they would use a process called icsi, where they inject the sperm directly into the eggs. This would give us an even better chance of having healthy embryos which was important as we won't have another chance to harvest eggs before chemo. In five days time they will freeze all suitable embryos and store them for future use so we can give little birdie a little birdie or sparrow to play with one day.

I spent most of the day resting at home as directed. I originally thought this seemed unnecessary but like i said, i totally underestimated the procedure. I have had pretty bad cramping pain all day and am so swollen that I look six months pregnant, which isn't hard to believe seeing as my ovaries are about four times their regular size from housing all those eggs! I did have to do a few things to prepare for chemo tomorrow though, so i couldn't spend the whole day resting. I saw my oncologist earlier today for my final check up before chemo, I started my steroids- ugh, and this afternoon I had to go pick up another medication before going to the GP to have it administered. It was an implant that had to be injected by a pen-refill-sized needle which will stop me ovulating while undergoing chemo. This is just another precaution that will give us even more of a chance to have another baby down the track by protecting my ovaries from the damage that chemo can do to them.

Anywho, it's now midnight and 10 hours till I start chemo, so I am going to go to bed. I'm not sure how likely it will be that I will go to sleep but I may as well try. Wish me luck!

The incredible Bruce Springsteen

Literally the centre of attention

Ovaries, baby!

Almost home time

It's my last night in hospital! For now anyway.

I very happily received the news this afternoon that I will be going home tomorrow. I had started to get quite comfortable here and had begun to think that it wouldn't be a bad thing to stay in hospital for another few days. That was until I received a phone call from Little Birdie last night. She had been at my sister in laws since leaving me at midday and was supposed to be staying the night. She had apparently been asking for me all afternoon so my sister in law finally gave in and let her ring me. As soon as she heard my voices she started started crying. Then I started crying. Then I decided I was ready to go home.

I did get some very annoying news this morning though. Apparently the fluid in my drains had become cloudy (which i had noticed) and as a result the nurses told me that I had to be put on a fat free diet until it cleared up! I had actually joked with a friend the night before that if I ate anymore chocolate I would turn into one, and turns out I wasn't far off. What annoyed me even more was that my sister was coming to the hospital for lunch with delicious pasta she had made for me which I was now not allowed to eat. And even though I joked about the chocolate, I really hadn't had that much and had only been eating the hospital food. In the end I realised that it wasn't the worst thing in the world. My lunch of steamed fish and boiled potatoes was actually really nice and a refreshing change from the cheesy and creamy hospital food I had been eating.

Today the breast care nurse also fitted me for a very attractive bra (It's not really that bad) and a soft prosthesis (that looks likes big shoulder pad) that I can wear once both my drains have been removed. I think it's wonderful that the hospital gives you a bra to take home. The whole situation is daunting enough without having to worry about going out to buy that kind of thing. In six weeks I can go into the city and be fitted for a propped realistic prosthesis as well. By then I will have started chemo so can probably go wig shopping too, what a fun day.

The rest of my day was pretty great. My sister did come in, minus the pasta, and brought with her Little Birdie and two of her sons (19 months and 5 weeks). Little Birdie was very excited to see me and sat on the bed next to me giving me cuddles until she and her cousin discovered the balloon bouquet I received yesterday. They played beautifully together for a good two hours while her baby cousin slept peacefully and my sister and i had a chance to catch up.

My husband came to see me tonight. It felt like forever since we had spent any time with each other alone and was lovely. We had dinner together (steamed veggies and fruit for me) and had a chance to discuss our plans for when I got home. I'm really looking forward to being home with him and Little Birdie tomorrow.

Valentines night

What a day! I don't know if it was the macaroons that i ate for breakfast (delicious but way too sweet for that early in the day) but I was not prepared for what was coming yesterday morning when I typed my last post. I said that I got to see my 'mangled chest' for the first time, but that was while still laying in bed, still partially covered in dressing, still with staples in, and most importantly without my contact lenses in. In short, I hadn't seen anything yet.

After I had my lovely breakfast and a nice chat with the mornings new (young) nurses, my breast care nurse came and removed my dressing and padding so I could have my first proper shower since the mastectomy. This also meant I had my first real look at my wound, and my whole body, since the surgery. I was shocked at what I saw, but it was pretty much what I expected. It was just difficult to take in the fact that it was actually how my body now looked. I felt like I had to keep taking photos so I could see everything clearly and really believe it. The incision runs from where my cleavage used to begin, across my chest, and then down slightly at my side. On my side where the bottom of my bra would normally sit is where my two drainage tubes come out. Simply having a shower was also a strange experience as much of the left side of my upper body is tender and numb. I couldn't really feel if I was washing my side or under my arm at times.

After my shower the breast care nurse returned and removed my staples. That was more uncomfortable than painful really. I got dressed and decided to do my hair and makeup but still felt odd. I then got changed about 3 times as I decided I wanted to try and wear real clothes, not just pyjamas, so I asked my husband to bring some in for me.

I spent about half an hour trying on different outfits, which was more painful than i expected as i had to move my arm a lot more than I had in the last day. In the end I settled on new pants, a stripe t shirt, a cardigan, and a scarf that I bunched up on my left side and had quite thin on my right to try and balance out my chest. My husband took me down to the cafe for lunch and it felt great to be out of my room. We sat outside in the sun and in the end, despite all my efforts to make myself look normal, I took off the scarf and cardigan and just got used to how my chest now looked and felt.

I slowly started feeling better and better as the day went on and I came to terms with my new chest. I had some lovely friends come visit and also got to see my beautiful Little Birdie in the early evening too which always makes things better.

I couldn't decide if I should include pictures of my wound or not. I thought it might be a bit 'too much information' for some people and didn't want to offend anyone, so I decided to have a think about it overnight. In the end I decided to include them (at the very end of the post) because the whole reason I am writing this blog is not only to help myself deal with what I am going through, but to also help anyone else who might be about to go through the same thing. I've put a photo of my Little Birdie and I in first to hopefully make it a little easier to see.

Today is going much better. I had a great sleep and woke up just as my husband and little birdie arrived (still in her valentines day pyjamas). Shortly after that, the Professor came and gave me good news that all my margins were clear and that of the 20 odd lymph nodes removed, less than half contained cancer. I've been given information from the breast care nurse about bras, prostheses, chemo, radiation, and lymphoedema and even wig shopping plus I've had some lovely friends visit and even received a hilarious balloon bouquet.

In short, I'm feeling good again.

The big cut part II- Mastectomy

It's 8:00 on Wednesday morning and I'm writing this from my hospital bed. It's been 14 hours since my Mastectomy and I'm feeling really good.

My surgeon has been to see me and said he was very happy with the surgery and said that everything was as good as they expected. I had three lumps removed from my breast and three lymph nodes removed from under my arm.

I arrived at the hospital at 1:30 yesterday and was taken to my room (room number 22 which is my birthday, my sisters birthday, my husbands birthday, and my nephews birthday, so I was pretty happy). I was third on the operating list so waited in my room with my husband and parents until they took me up for surgery just after 4pm. My lovely surgeon came in and saw me before taking me into the theatre. I remember singing Bob Marley songs to myself and that's about all I remember before waking in recovery.

I was extremely drowsy in recovery and couldn't keep my eyes open even though I tried. Once I returned to my room my husband and parents were waiting for me. Shortly after my sister and brother (and 4 week old nephew) arrived. I was still super drowsy but felt pretty good. I was wearing a stretchy wrap around tube top type contraption (which I still have on) which is surprisingly comfortable and feels just like a corset. I wouldn't mind one to take home even. My chest and arm were a little sore but not as bad as I expected. I kept dozing off for a few minutes at a time while talking with everyone and when visiting hours finished at 8pm my family all left but my husband was allowed to stay till 10pm. I slept for most of that time and when I was awake my husband read me all the text messages, Facebook messages and wall posts I was receiving. I couldn't believe how many people had taken the time to send me their well wishes, including people I haven't seen or really heard from in over 10 years. I had been hesitant to post on Facebook about my cancer. It's not like you can just say 'hey everyone, I have cancer!' without seeming like I was trying to get attention, but at the same time I did want people to know. Not just for me but for them too, to know that you can be 27 years old with no family history and still be diagnosed with cancer. In the end I shared the below image from my Instagram #mastectomytomorrow #fckcancer which did the trick.

The anaesthetic didn't fully wear off until about midnight and then I had a chance to reply to some of the messages of support myself. I was also able to use my left arm quite a lot which I hadn't expected. Throughout the night I managed to sleep in 45-60 min intervals and wasn't in too much pain. I made sure that as soon as I started to feel just a little sore I would ask the nurses for pain medication so it never really escalated. The staff have all been absolutely wonderful. I even had a nurse shed a tear for me when I was telling her about what my husband and I have been through over the years. It's so comforting to have real, human, caring nurses and doctors, not just cold people simply doing their job.

It's now 10am. My husband has just left to pick up little birdie (who I can't wait to see), I've had breakfast, washed my face and body (just with a cloth), have put on my own pajamas, and am feeling rather great. I've had a bit of a look at my chest but there is a massive bandage covering my wound so there's not much to see, just a long gap where my boob was really. I did feel a bit nauseous when I first got up to go to the bathroom this morning but was given an injection straight away so didn't end up being sick.

Now it's time for a rest I think before my visitors arrive, which will mainly be family today. I should be in for 3 days so I'm sure I will post again soon.