It's all getting a bit real now.

Ah. After two days of feeling like absolute rubbish I finally feel better!

Yesterday was a really crappy day. I woke up at 4:30 with my whole side aching. I stumbled in the dark to find some panadol and went back to bed. When I woke up a few hours later I discovered why I had been, and still was, in so much pain. My whole side was swollen, from under my arm down to the bottom of my ribs where my drain tube comes out. It was so bad that i could hardly keep my arm at my side. I tried emptying my drain bulb but fluid started dripping down my side from the top of the drain. We were scheduled to see my surgeon that morning to have my drain removed but when he saw me he said the drain needed to stay in and sent me up to the nurse to have her unblock it. She unblocked it very quickly and in about 10mins over 100ml came out! The swelling started to go down but I was still extremely sore, slightly nauseous, and very tired.

From the hospital we headed into the city to meet with an ivf doctor to discuss the possibility of harvesting and freezing my eggs, before starting chemo. The doctor was lovely and sent us both for blood tests and asked me to have some other tests done during the week, but I was still so tired and sore that I found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying. What i did take note of was that our parking in the city, for an hour and fifteen minutes, cost us $57! I guess compared to the cost of ivf it isn't much though. I ended up sleeping the whole drive home, had an hour nap in the afternoon, and spent the rest of the day on the lounge, but still felt pretty terrible. The silver lining to the day was that my surgeon told me I can now drive AND pick up little birdie which I was very happy about. She had been at home with my parents while we were out. As soon as I walked in the door I picked her up and hugged her and she didn't want to let me go. I think she was as happy as I was. I also got to put her to bed all by myself and she was an absolute angel.

First thing this morning I had to go for a bone scan. That meant having an injection and 2 hours later having the scan done, which took 45 minutes. The rest of the day I was still tired and sore and cold and grumpy. I kept thinking 'if I feel this terrible from just being swollen, how bad am I going to feel once i start chemo?'. Anyway, I finally started feeling better when my husband cooked me a beautiful dinner.

Earlier this week we met my oncologist to discuss my chemo and radiation treatment. He was absolutely lovely and even came in on his day off to meet with me urgently. He explained that I will have 6 rounds of chemo, three weeks apart, followed by 6 weeks of radiation, 15 mins a day. I will also receive herceptin every three weeks for 12 months. He explained that herceptin attacks a protein on the surface of the cancer, which my surgeon had already told me. My surgeon was happy that i could be treated with herceptin but he hadnt told me that cancer that can be treated with herceptin (refered to as her2+ cancer) is actually more aggressive than her2- cancer that can't be. He also seemed a lot more concerned about the 'biology' and aggressiveness of my cancer than my surgeon had been. He kept making the point that the cancer had spread to 9 of my lymph nodes which I knew, but hadn't really thought about.

We also discussed the ivf treatment before starting chemo but he said he couldn't wait more than 4 weeks to begin chemo so it might not be a possibility. He will speak with the ivf doctor once he has my test results and they will coordinate things and let us know if it can be done. On the subject of ivf he also said there were 'ethical' issues to consider in regards to having another baby when there's a chance my cancer could come back. That was something I was not expecting to hear. I think that was when things really started to sink in.

Things are starting to feel a bit more 'real' now. Hopefully by this time next week I will know what is happening with the ivf and chemo. I'm sure I will feel better then.

Two Weeks Post Op

It's now been two weeks since my Mastectomy and i'm still feeling pretty good. Everything seems to be healing pretty well but i still have my drainage tube in, which is starting to be a bit of a pain. I have to empty in two or three times a day and measure how much fluid comes out. It's supposed to be 40ml or under for it to be removed but it has been almost 200ml for the last few days! I even rolled over onto it the other morning and made it spill all over me. It was as gross as it sounds. When i saw my surgeon last week he said he would remove it later this week but that there is a chance i might swell up once it comes out and have to see him every few days to have the fluid removed with a syringe. Ew!

I'll be seeing my Chemo doctor (I don't know the correct term yet) later today which i am looking forward to. I have transferred to a hospital closer to home for Chemo as i will have to spend one day there every three weeks for the next six months. I'm looking forward to finding out when I will be starting treatment and what to expect. We are also seeing an IVF doctor later in the week to discuss harvesting my eggs before starting Chemo so I am glad I will have some information for them.

We went to my sisters (post) baby-shower on Sunday which was lovely. It was great to get dressed up and go out again. I wore a 50's style dress which had a high neckline and a full skirt so it perfectly concealed my ugly bra and prosthesis as well as my drain bulb. It was really nice to see Little Birdie and all her cousins playing together too, but i did get a little emotional when i was holding my beautiful 6 week old nephew surrounded by other adorable little boys. I couldn't help thinking about the baby i could have had if it hadn't been for my cancer. I'm sure it would have been a boy.

Not much else has been happening since my last post. I've been enjoying being home and have caught up with some friends, but I'm really starting to miss picking up Little Birdie. I am going to ask the surgeon this week if i can pick her up sooner than the 6 weeks he originally told me. I'm really hating not being able to put her in the bath, get her out of her cot when she wakes, and especially putting her to bed at night, something I have done almost every night since she was born. My husband and mum have both been wonderful helping with those things, and she doesn't seem to mind, but I really hate not being able to do it all by myself. Even yesterday she fell over and scraped her head and not being able to pick her up and cuddle her immediately was quite upsetting. (FYI we took her to the Doctor and she is fine).

On a happier note, Little Birdie has been ridiculously cute and happy this week.

Home is wherever I'm with you

Oh home!

It is so wonderful to be home! Its been a whole week since my mastectomy and I'm feeling better than I could have imagined. The only things I can't do are pick up Little Birdie (which sucks), and change her nappies (which I can totally handle, for now anyway).

I left hospital on Sunday morning which was such a relief. On Saturday night the nurse told me that there was a chance that I wouldn't have one of my drains removed the following day which would meant I couldn't go home, but luckily this wasn't the case. At 7am on Sunday morning my wonderful surgeon came to see me. He was looking very cool in his jeans and unbuttoned tuxedo shirt and told me that one of my drains could be removed and I could go home. Shortly after, the nurse came and removed the drain and asked how soon my husband could come and pick me up. I then had my last shower in hospital, tidied my room, packed all my bags, and sat by the window listening to music while waiting for my husband to arrive. As we were leaving, a few of my favourite nurses came and gave me a hug and said goodbye.

Being back in a car seemed quite strange. My husband drove extra carefully and asked if I was ok after every little bump in the road. We picked up Little Birdie from my sisters on the way home. She was so excited to see us she came running to the front gate shouting 'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy' and giggling. It was pretty adorable. My very inquisitive nephew, who is almost 5, saw my drain bulb hanging at my side almost immediately. He started asking questions like 'what's that?' 'Whats in it?' and I started to think I should have thought a bit more about how I looked before getting out of the car. I didn't want to scare him and had no idea what to say. In the end I just said it was a drain and it had yucky stuff in it but that didn't really seem to satisfy him.

When we arrived home my parents were there to welcome us. We came in and I could see that everyone (my husband, parents, and sister) had been doing work around the house the whole time I'd been in hospital. We had moved into our new house less than two weeks before I went into hospital so there had been plenty of work to be done. Everything looked great and I was so happy to just sit down on our lounge and take it all in. It was obvious that Little Birdie was happy to have me home too. She was playing on the floor in front of me and every now and again would look up and smile at me and say 'mummy!'

Since being home I've managed to sleep perfectly, shower all by myself, and even cook dinner. Three things I was not expecting to be able to do for quite a while. In fact, I even managed to go out shopping with my husband yesterday. It was a little intimidating at first. I was unable to wear a bra because I still have a drain in, which also meant I couldn't wear a prosthesis, but I managed to disguise my chest so it wasn't too obvious. I also had to hide my drain bulb which was pinned to my hip. All in all it was quite a glamorous outing.

I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon later this week, as well as an appointment with an IVF specialist next week to discuss preserving my eggs before I start chemo. But for now, I'm just enjoying being home with my family in our new home.

Almost home time

It's my last night in hospital! For now anyway.

I very happily received the news this afternoon that I will be going home tomorrow. I had started to get quite comfortable here and had begun to think that it wouldn't be a bad thing to stay in hospital for another few days. That was until I received a phone call from Little Birdie last night. She had been at my sister in laws since leaving me at midday and was supposed to be staying the night. She had apparently been asking for me all afternoon so my sister in law finally gave in and let her ring me. As soon as she heard my voices she started started crying. Then I started crying. Then I decided I was ready to go home.

I did get some very annoying news this morning though. Apparently the fluid in my drains had become cloudy (which i had noticed) and as a result the nurses told me that I had to be put on a fat free diet until it cleared up! I had actually joked with a friend the night before that if I ate anymore chocolate I would turn into one, and turns out I wasn't far off. What annoyed me even more was that my sister was coming to the hospital for lunch with delicious pasta she had made for me which I was now not allowed to eat. And even though I joked about the chocolate, I really hadn't had that much and had only been eating the hospital food. In the end I realised that it wasn't the worst thing in the world. My lunch of steamed fish and boiled potatoes was actually really nice and a refreshing change from the cheesy and creamy hospital food I had been eating.

Today the breast care nurse also fitted me for a very attractive bra (It's not really that bad) and a soft prosthesis (that looks likes big shoulder pad) that I can wear once both my drains have been removed. I think it's wonderful that the hospital gives you a bra to take home. The whole situation is daunting enough without having to worry about going out to buy that kind of thing. In six weeks I can go into the city and be fitted for a propped realistic prosthesis as well. By then I will have started chemo so can probably go wig shopping too, what a fun day.

The rest of my day was pretty great. My sister did come in, minus the pasta, and brought with her Little Birdie and two of her sons (19 months and 5 weeks). Little Birdie was very excited to see me and sat on the bed next to me giving me cuddles until she and her cousin discovered the balloon bouquet I received yesterday. They played beautifully together for a good two hours while her baby cousin slept peacefully and my sister and i had a chance to catch up.

My husband came to see me tonight. It felt like forever since we had spent any time with each other alone and was lovely. We had dinner together (steamed veggies and fruit for me) and had a chance to discuss our plans for when I got home. I'm really looking forward to being home with him and Little Birdie tomorrow.

Valentines night

What a day! I don't know if it was the macaroons that i ate for breakfast (delicious but way too sweet for that early in the day) but I was not prepared for what was coming yesterday morning when I typed my last post. I said that I got to see my 'mangled chest' for the first time, but that was while still laying in bed, still partially covered in dressing, still with staples in, and most importantly without my contact lenses in. In short, I hadn't seen anything yet.

After I had my lovely breakfast and a nice chat with the mornings new (young) nurses, my breast care nurse came and removed my dressing and padding so I could have my first proper shower since the mastectomy. This also meant I had my first real look at my wound, and my whole body, since the surgery. I was shocked at what I saw, but it was pretty much what I expected. It was just difficult to take in the fact that it was actually how my body now looked. I felt like I had to keep taking photos so I could see everything clearly and really believe it. The incision runs from where my cleavage used to begin, across my chest, and then down slightly at my side. On my side where the bottom of my bra would normally sit is where my two drainage tubes come out. Simply having a shower was also a strange experience as much of the left side of my upper body is tender and numb. I couldn't really feel if I was washing my side or under my arm at times.

After my shower the breast care nurse returned and removed my staples. That was more uncomfortable than painful really. I got dressed and decided to do my hair and makeup but still felt odd. I then got changed about 3 times as I decided I wanted to try and wear real clothes, not just pyjamas, so I asked my husband to bring some in for me.

I spent about half an hour trying on different outfits, which was more painful than i expected as i had to move my arm a lot more than I had in the last day. In the end I settled on new pants, a stripe t shirt, a cardigan, and a scarf that I bunched up on my left side and had quite thin on my right to try and balance out my chest. My husband took me down to the cafe for lunch and it felt great to be out of my room. We sat outside in the sun and in the end, despite all my efforts to make myself look normal, I took off the scarf and cardigan and just got used to how my chest now looked and felt.

I slowly started feeling better and better as the day went on and I came to terms with my new chest. I had some lovely friends come visit and also got to see my beautiful Little Birdie in the early evening too which always makes things better.

I couldn't decide if I should include pictures of my wound or not. I thought it might be a bit 'too much information' for some people and didn't want to offend anyone, so I decided to have a think about it overnight. In the end I decided to include them (at the very end of the post) because the whole reason I am writing this blog is not only to help myself deal with what I am going through, but to also help anyone else who might be about to go through the same thing. I've put a photo of my Little Birdie and I in first to hopefully make it a little easier to see.

Today is going much better. I had a great sleep and woke up just as my husband and little birdie arrived (still in her valentines day pyjamas). Shortly after that, the Professor came and gave me good news that all my margins were clear and that of the 20 odd lymph nodes removed, less than half contained cancer. I've been given information from the breast care nurse about bras, prostheses, chemo, radiation, and lymphoedema and even wig shopping plus I've had some lovely friends visit and even received a hilarious balloon bouquet.

In short, I'm feeling good again.

Valentines day

It's 7am on valentines day and I've just seen my professor/surgeon, and my somewhat mangled chest for the first time. It's also the first time in 8 years that i have woken up without my husband on valentines day. 

The Professor removed my dressing revealing a slightly wonky and puffy wound held together with staples and steri-strips. He seemed quite happy with his work and said he would be back to see me tomorrow morning to give me all my results and to discuss my treatment plan. I asked if this meant 6 months of chemo and no radiation as we had discussed last week but apparently my reconstructive surgeon, who I will also meet tomorrow and who 'knows all about me', wants me to have radiation as well. Fun fun fun.

I think I might just have to have a pretty macaroon for breakfast to make me feel better.

Happy Valentines day x

The big cut part II- Mastectomy

It's 8:00 on Wednesday morning and I'm writing this from my hospital bed. It's been 14 hours since my Mastectomy and I'm feeling really good.

My surgeon has been to see me and said he was very happy with the surgery and said that everything was as good as they expected. I had three lumps removed from my breast and three lymph nodes removed from under my arm.

I arrived at the hospital at 1:30 yesterday and was taken to my room (room number 22 which is my birthday, my sisters birthday, my husbands birthday, and my nephews birthday, so I was pretty happy). I was third on the operating list so waited in my room with my husband and parents until they took me up for surgery just after 4pm. My lovely surgeon came in and saw me before taking me into the theatre. I remember singing Bob Marley songs to myself and that's about all I remember before waking in recovery.

I was extremely drowsy in recovery and couldn't keep my eyes open even though I tried. Once I returned to my room my husband and parents were waiting for me. Shortly after my sister and brother (and 4 week old nephew) arrived. I was still super drowsy but felt pretty good. I was wearing a stretchy wrap around tube top type contraption (which I still have on) which is surprisingly comfortable and feels just like a corset. I wouldn't mind one to take home even. My chest and arm were a little sore but not as bad as I expected. I kept dozing off for a few minutes at a time while talking with everyone and when visiting hours finished at 8pm my family all left but my husband was allowed to stay till 10pm. I slept for most of that time and when I was awake my husband read me all the text messages, Facebook messages and wall posts I was receiving. I couldn't believe how many people had taken the time to send me their well wishes, including people I haven't seen or really heard from in over 10 years. I had been hesitant to post on Facebook about my cancer. It's not like you can just say 'hey everyone, I have cancer!' without seeming like I was trying to get attention, but at the same time I did want people to know. Not just for me but for them too, to know that you can be 27 years old with no family history and still be diagnosed with cancer. In the end I shared the below image from my Instagram #mastectomytomorrow #fckcancer which did the trick.

The anaesthetic didn't fully wear off until about midnight and then I had a chance to reply to some of the messages of support myself. I was also able to use my left arm quite a lot which I hadn't expected. Throughout the night I managed to sleep in 45-60 min intervals and wasn't in too much pain. I made sure that as soon as I started to feel just a little sore I would ask the nurses for pain medication so it never really escalated. The staff have all been absolutely wonderful. I even had a nurse shed a tear for me when I was telling her about what my husband and I have been through over the years. It's so comforting to have real, human, caring nurses and doctors, not just cold people simply doing their job.

It's now 10am. My husband has just left to pick up little birdie (who I can't wait to see), I've had breakfast, washed my face and body (just with a cloth), have put on my own pajamas, and am feeling rather great. I've had a bit of a look at my chest but there is a massive bandage covering my wound so there's not much to see, just a long gap where my boob was really. I did feel a bit nauseous when I first got up to go to the bathroom this morning but was given an injection straight away so didn't end up being sick.

Now it's time for a rest I think before my visitors arrive, which will mainly be family today. I should be in for 3 days so I'm sure I will post again soon.

The big cut part I

So, today I did something I've never done. I cut my hair. I mean, I've obviously had hair trims before, but I literally cut half my hair off. And it felt good.

I've always had long hair, for as long as I can remember. Long hair has always been my thing, and the thought of losing it once I have chemo scares me a bit. I've read that you should cut your hair before chemo to prepare yourself, your family, and your friends for the big change once you lose it so I decided I may as well have some fun with it while i can. It's also going to be much less work after my surgery so it's a win win. I also had my nails and toenails done today so will be feeling particularly glamorous tomorrow.

I've actually had a few perfect days since my last post. Friday was spent at home with friends. Saturday we just enjoyed relaxing in our new house for the first time, without unpacking a single box. Sunday started with crepes for breakfast, followed by a trip to the local markets where musicians were playing and all little birdie wanted to do was hold my hand and walk around. That afternoon i had some friends from school over and we also had little birdies first swimming lesson. She screamed for the full duration of the lesson but still did as she was asked and was adorable. She was obviously exhausted too as she went to bed an hour early!

So, now I'm all ready for my Mastectomy tomorrow at 1:30pm. All I have to do is pack my bag, get my little birdie to her aunties house, and check into the hospital to, as my husband just said 'get this shit out of me.'

Wish me luck!

Cancer is so limited...

So, apparently I have breast cancer...

I started this blog 18 months ago with the intention of posting cute things I found on the Internet, along with updates on my baby girl. Then I discovered Pinterest and it was all over!

Now I am back, and from the title of this post you know why. Exactly three weeks ago I was told I had cancer. I am 27 years old, with no family history, and i have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma stage 2a. Here is how it was discovered. (I apologise in advance for the very long, most likely very boring post. I promise they won't all be like this.)

I was very proud to have breast fed little birdie until she was almost 16 months. To be honest I was more than happy to be stopping by then, and the transition from boob to bottle was very easy. A little after I stopped I noticed that I had a hard mass in my left breast that I assumed was related to stopping feeding.

Two months later I still had the mass and it even started to be slightly painful so I decided to show my GP at my daughters 18 month check up. He didn't act too concerned but told me to go for an ultrasound. I booked the ultrasound for later that week and ended up having to reschedule it 3 times. The last time I almost just cancelled it but something made me change my mind and book it.

THE ULTRASOUND
I went along to the ultrasound expecting to be told it was nothing. I took little birdie with me and she actually sat an my lap while I had the ultrasound. First they looked at my right breast and as suspected found nothing. When they looked at the left side they paid much more attention. I was told they were almost done and just had to check under my armpit. I was asked if I had ever noticed any pain under my arm. I had and had assumed it was from an ingrown hair or something as equally insignificant. The radiologist then left the room saying she wanted to speak to the doctor and see if they wanted to examine me. After being gone for what felt like 10 minutes she returned with a plastered on smile to tell me that 'everything was fine' and that I should just pick up my results in 2 hours and then go back to my GP. I think she also casually mentioned that i might need to have a biopsy. Once I left I tried to tell myself it was nothing to worry about. I booked an appointment with my GP for the following morning and went about the rest of my day. When I returned later to pick up the results I red the report and immediately called my husband. There were three lesions, the largest measuring over 2cm, and three questionable lymph nodes. A biopsy was recommended. I then called the GP and changed the appointment to that evening. I thought there was a chance that he would be able to do a biopsy himself but was wrong. He gave me a referral and told me to call the same people who had done the ultrasound and organise the biopsy. By the time we left his office it was too late to book any biopsy as everyone was closed so I had to wait till the next morning.

First thing the next morning I called the radiologist I had seen the previous day to organise the biopsy but they couldn't fit me in for a week. I called someone else and they couldn't get me in until the following week either. There was no way I could wait that long so I called a third place who had their breast specialist in that day and they booked me in for 1.15pm the same day. I organised for a friend to come with me to help entertain little birdie and we even planned to go shopping afterwards...that never happened!

THE BIOPSY
We arrived at the radiologists a little early and little birdie wasted no time in getting into all the toys and snacks I had brought for her. Luckily I didn't have to wait very long till they called my name so I kissed little birdie goodbye and went off for what I was expecting to me a quick and fairly painless experience. After being asked to undress and put on a lovely blue gown the radiologist did a quick ultrasound and then called in the specialist. After a quick introduction they both left the room. A few minutes later they told me that had called my GP and decided to do a mammogram as well which needed to be done before the biopsy. They walked me down that hall to the mammogram room and the first thing I heard was my daughter crying in the waiting room. They told me my friend could bring her in to see me and I could tell she had been crying ever since I left. I held her for a while and then had to give her back to my friend. Even though we were still in the same room she was still crying when I wasn't holding her (she is a definite mummy's girl) and they did my mammogram, which seemed to take forever. Then I had to say goodbye to birdie and go off for my biopsy. It turns out it wasn't as simple of a process as I had imagined. They had to do a core biopsy which meant the specialist numbed the skin and then used a scalpel to make a small incision and then inserted a very long and thick needle which was very uncomfortable. This was while the radiologist did an ultrasound to guide her to the lesion. They then had a pathologist come into the room and did a simpler fine needle biopsy of my lymph node. They gave the pathologist samples as they were taking them to make sure they had taken enough to be examined. Once she told them she had enough they applied a large dressing to the incision and a small bandaid under my arm, told me my results would be ready in three days time (Monday) and sent me on my way.

THE RESULTS- kind of
The next day (friday) i went and spent the day with my sister who had just gotten out of hospital after giving birth to her fourth baby, a beautiful little boy. Little birdie absolutely loves her cousins so she had a wonderful time too. No more than 10 minutes after I headed home I received a phone call from my GP's office saying my Dr wanted me to come in to discuss my results and asked how soon I could be there. As soon as I saw it was them calling I knew it was bad news. I asked if my husband should come too and was told that would be good. My husband met me there and when we got in his office
we were given the news we expected. I had cancer. My GP had only received the results from the lymph node biopsy so there wasn't much else he could tell me but it was definitely breast cancer and it was definitely in my lymph nodes under my arm. He had tried to get a hold of a breast surgeon as soon as he received my results but hadn't been able to. He told me he would call me with the rest of my results on Monday and also have an appointment arranged with the specialist by then.

On the Monday we received my full results. I had a form of aggressive breast cancer called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I had an appointment with the specialist on the Friday. And to make things even crazier we were picking up the keys for our brand new home on the Wednesday and would be moving the following week.

So, it's now three weeks later. We have moved into our new home. I've met with my surgeon three times (who is absolutely wonderful!) had another core biopsy, more ultrasounds, a full body CT scan (which luckily came back all clear) and in four days time will be having a single mastectomy including lymph node removal. This will be followed by 6 months of chemotherapy and 12 months of herceptin treatment. I've been surprisingly fine through the whole ordeal. I think the big move and an active 19 month old have been a wonderful distraction. The most upsetting part of the whole thing was that a week after diagnosis I discovered I was pregnant. As soon as I found out I burst into tears and just knew I wouldn't be able to continue the pregnancy, which my surgeon confirmed. I had to meet with an obstetrician who performed the termination this week. When we first met he said 'so the pregnancy was unplanned?' To which I replied 'no, the pregnancy was planned, the cancer wasn't!' As difficult as it was to go through, my husband and I just had to treat it as the first part of my cancer treatment. On Monday I will be spending the day with my sister, getting manicures and pedicures and getting my hair done. I figure it might make me feel better after surgery if my hair and nails look nice.

I'll hopefully post again before my surgery on Tuesday. If there is anyone reading this at any point in time who is going through something similar and has any questions I'm more than happy to answer them.