Give us a break!

So I think it's fair to say that I am a pretty positive person. Not in an annoying, in your face way, but I never really think 'why me?', I just get on with things. Well this week, I've seriously been tested. 

***disclaimer: this post contains occasional coarse language and feeling sorry for myself. Only read on if you want to join my pity party. Don't worry though, it's not a long one. ***

I've mentioned on here previously that my husband and I have been through some pretty difficult times. Well this month celebrated five years since his brain tumour and subsequent surgery, and it was kind of sad looking back at those five years and to see everything we have gone through, and are still going through. My husbands brain tumour, surgery, and subsequent seizures. The loss of his mum to short battle with cancer. The loss of his dad six months later. And now, my cancer. All in just five years. On the obvious up side, we have also been lucky enough to have fallen pregnant and had our incredible little birdie, who amazes and entertains us everyday, so it obviously hasn't been all bad. 

But this week we were reminded all too clearly of the most terrifying experience of the last five years. At 12:55am Friday morning, I was awoken by a quick tap on the shoulder from my husband, only to open my eyes and see him going into a full blown, fucking seizure. I managed to stay calm, call paramedics, call our wonderful neighbour who came straight over, keep my husband on his side and safe on the bed, all while watching him thrash around, foaming at the mouth, with his eyes wide, bloodshot, and terrified. Luckily, the seisure only went for about 5 minutes, and by the time the ambulance arrives, 19 minutes after I first called, he had just started to come to. He was given oxygen and couldnt really talk, but was eventually able to walk, aided, to the ambulance. From the ambulance I called (and woke) my sister who headed straight over at 2am to relieve my neighbour, and not only stayed the night, but took little birdie home with her the next morning. Sitting in the ambulance after I had done everything I needed to do was the first chance I had to actually think about what was happening, and the first thing I thought was 'You've got to be fucking kidding me! I'm riding in an ambulance, with no hair, one boob, and a very visible scar thanks to the fact im pretty much in my pyjamas, and I'm not even the one who needs treatment.' They say that you're only given as much as you can handle, and yes, I can handle this, but give us a fucking break. In the words of a great friend who just happened to text me while I was still at the hospital, 'doesn't the universe know what we've been through?!'

At the hospital my husband was given his anti-seizure medication, which he had been taking for the last five years but stopped six months ago (obviously a bad idea). He was given various blood tests and a ct scan, all of which came back clear, and was monitored for four hours to make sure he didn't have another seizure, and then we were sent home. We both spent the weekend resting and apart from being quite swollen, tired, and sore from the sheer physicality of the seizure, he is fine. And so am I. 

I am back to my positive self now. Yes it's a horrible thing that we've had to experience again, but we were also pretty lucky. Lucky that the seizure happened at home, in bed, with me, and not while my husband was at work, or driving, or any number of other alternatives. Lucky that it was unwitnessed by little birdie. Lucky that it was minor compared to the one five years ago. One that went for almost 30 minutes and after which he spent 2 days in intensive care, 5 days in hospital total. Lucky that in the 6 months that he was off the medication he lost over 20 kilo's and became fitter and healthier than I have ever known him. And lucky that even though we don't have his incredible parents around to help us this time, we still have wonderful family and friends who dropped everything to be there for us and little birdie all weekend. So I guess, all in all, that does make us very lucky. 

I'm a terrible blogger, but I'm just a bit over cancer.

It's been ages since my last post, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to write a new one. 

After my last chemo (number four) I felt pretty terrible for over a week. I was given the top of the line anti-nausea drugs, since I had a few days of nausea after cycle three, but I ended up feeling horrible. No nausea, but I felt like my brain was fried. I couldn't think properly, was fatigued, I was dizzy on and off for about five days, and felt quite shakey. The last week I have pretty much felt back to normal, but I've just been so over the whole cancer thing that I couldn't even bring myself to look at this blog. And to make me feel especially attractive, my eyelashes and eyebrows seem to slowly be thinning out, my fingernails are getting ridges and feeling sore like they might start lifting, and I've been feeling like a cross between uncle fester and an old gypsy woman. 

Even while I was feeling like this though, it wasn't all bad. I had the wonderful Alicia who came to chemo with me (who i grew up next door to, who is my friend Morgan's mum and is also one of my mums closest friends) come over and spend three days at home with me and little birdie as my parents are away overseas (they're back on Monday, yay!). Every day she brought delicious cakes for morning tea, which was lovely even when i couldn't taste them, she did my washing, tidied my house, cooked for me, and even took little birdie for walks to go shopping or pick me flowers so I could have a rest. I'm not sure how I would have managed if I had been home on my own in that time!

My husband has also been especially amazing over the last few weeks. He came home one night (when i was feeling particularly crappy) with a bunch of roses, chocolates, and my favourite magazine, as well as a card saying how much he appreciates everything i do for him and little birdie even though I'm also dealing with chemo and cancer, and on top of that he told me he booked a weekend away for my birthday (which is 11 days after i finish chemo), but is surprising me with where we are going. He also had four days off over the long weekend and it was lovely. We got to relax, go to the markets, see both of our families, catch up with friends, do much needed work around the house, take little birdie to the park, plus he cooked some beautiful meals for me. 

So now I have six days till my second last chemo and I plan to enjoy every one of them, even though I have a heart scan one day, a follow up with my surgeon the next, and my husband is going away for two days for work. I will catch up with friends, enjoy some wine now that my taste buds are back to normal, and take little birdie on an adventure (not at the same time of course)

Speaking of little birdie, here are some of the adorable things she has done over the past few weeks:

1- While eating jelly the other day, she said 'Mummy. Have some jelly. It's fun! It's fun! It's fun!' When she realised I found it funny, she just kept looking at me and saying 'Its fun! It's fun!' And laughing. 

2- Playing in her bedroom the other morning, I walk in and find her like this. She is apparently painting the roof. 

3- At the markets last weekend she told me she wanted her face painted. I wasn't sure if she would change her mind once she had a stranger putting wet paint on her face but she was wonderful. She sat very still the whole time and was very happy with the finished product. Unfortunately she was not so happy when we had to wash it off that night. 

4- Little birdie has been spending a lot of time on the big toilet now that she is pretty much toilet trained. She loves waving to elmo, who's picture is on her special toilet seat, but what she loves even more is reading a book while on the toilet. We read 'Thats not my kitten' which has been a favourite since she was a baby, and she now knows the whole thing off by heart. She tells me 'it's ears are too soooft', 'It's tongue is too fuzyyyyyy', 'Its nose is too smooooth' 'it's bell is too shiii-neey' and although the storey says its paws are too rough, she tells me 'it's paws are too spongy!' and then giggles.   

5- She has even managed to occasionally be adorable while throwing tantrums. When trying to get her ready for bed one night she refused to get dressed and instead was playing with her new toy coffee machine. I had asked her nicely a few times to come over and get dressed and she simply said 'No!', so my husband told her to come get dressed, to which she yelled 'No! I'm still making a coffee!' As much as we tried not to, my husband and I burst out laughing. 

Halfway through chemo, yay!

I was planning on writing a new post last week, but to tell you the truth, I was feeling pretty terrible. They say you shouldn't drunk text and I figure you shouldn't sick blog, so I waited and am now feeling much better. I may even have a glass of wine tonight. 

Chemo was a week and a half ago. My wonderful friend Morgan, who I've been friends with since we were both 6, came with me, AND she brought cupcakes! We even got to have a picnic in the sun after my blood test and before my oncologist appointment and chemo, and I love picnics, so it was a great day. Chemo itself was a breeze. I started much later than usual but I still finished at the same time because they can give me my drugs faster now, which I was very happy about. I also didn't have a problem with the giant frozen gloves, or get tired this time. In fact I felt so good that night, that I was able to help bath little birdie and her four cousins when I got to my sisters place, where my parents had been looking after all five grandchildren all day. 

Unfortunately, that was pretty much the end of the smooth sailing. I started feeling a bit nauseous that night, and by the next morning I just felt crappy. I took my anti-nausea medication which helped, but my taste buds were gone and ironically, I had a horrible taste in my mouth that I just couldn't get rid of. All I could really eat were crackers, and strangely Thai stir fry with rice. Despite all this, I still had a nice weekend. 

My husband and my dad finished landscaping our front yard on Saturday while we had some work done on the inside of our house, so little birdie and I just hung out together. Sunday was Mother's Day and I was spoilt. My husband and little birdie both gave me beautiful cards and two pairs of adorable Bambi pyjamas (which I had subtly hinted that I wanted. By emailing him a photo of them. I never expected to get both pairs though.) We were having lunch with my family and decided to take the scenic route so little birdie could have a nap in the car on the way. We left mid morning and drove through the national park, across the water on the ferry, and then through semi-rural suburbs. We saw flower and fruit stands set up on the sides of roads, plenty of farms and nurseries, as well as the odd horse grazing near the road. It was like a lovely, sunny, drive through the country side. Eventually we made it back to the traffic of suburbia and it wasn't long till we were at the restaurant. Lunch was lovely, if not a bit hectic with four kids, 5, 3, and two almost two, running around. It was such a luxury to be in a restaurant surrounded by family, even if it was a very busy and noisy one. Little birdie was very well behaved and even sat and watched Pepper Pig while we waited for our food. The best part of the day though was when we got home. My husband took little birdie for a walk to the park at the end of the street, while I got back into my Bambi pyjamas and had an hour long nap. It was heaven! The rest of the afternoon/evening we all just hung out in our bedroom together and I was able to forget about my upset stomach and horrible tasting mouth. 

(With my beautiful mum on Mother's Day)

The whole next week I felt off. I had to take my anti-nausea medication Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which I've only ever taken once or twice past the first two days after chemo. I found this quite depressing as I hadn't been nauseous at all since starting chemo, and was hoping I would be able to get through all my chemo without the nausea. The medication helped but I still had a horrible taste in my mouth, which meant I was constantly hungry, but could rarely find anything other than crackers that I could eat. By saturday I was almost feeling back to normal. We had a nice, relaxing weekend at home, and even had a couple of picnics in the sun in our back yard with little birdie. It was just what I needed. 

Today I met my Radiology Oncologist. My husband and little birdie came too and played with her new favourite toy, a play microwave her cousin gave her, while I talked to the Doctor. She was absolutely lovely and explained everything thoroughly. I will have radiation five days a week for 5-6 weeks to my whole left chest wall, part of my neck, and I think my underarm where my lymph nodes were removed. The whole procedure should only take an hour or so, but i haven't worked out what I'm going to do with little birdie for that time. Im exhausted just thinking about it. Anyway, back to the point. My Doctor talked me through the side effects that I was aware of, like fatigue and the possible sunburn like burn to the treated skin, but also discussed long term side effects that I had no idea about, including a higher risk of lymphedema, and possible damage to my heart and lungs down the track. She made a point of telling me that they are hesitant to use radiation treatment on younger patients unless absolutely necessary, as these problems can effect them negatively later in life, whereas a patient in their 50's or 60's realistically won't have as long for these problems to develop, but in my case the benefits and need obviously outweighs the risk. After all, i think it's more important to make sure I make it to my 60's before we start worrying about what side effects might pop up then.

I've decided to start ending my posts with a list of a few adorable things little birdie has said and done. This week there have been quite a few, in between throwing the not so odd tantrum. Those terrible twos are definitely on their way, what timing!

1- After waking up from her nap the other day, I asked her, as i often do, if she had had any dreams. She told me she had, and when I asked her what she dreamt about, she said 'Daddy'. I almost cried, it was so lovely!

2- Speaking of dreams, just last night she was playing with my hair brush (I certainly don't need it right now). She was running her hand over the bristles and said 'It feels nice'. I responded by saying 'Really? What does it feel like?' And she said 'Dreams. It feels like dreams mummy'.

3- While playing in her bedroom, little birdie has continued to 'read' her books, but has started saying 'once upon a time' as she flips through the pages, and even makes the same sound effects that I do when reading them to her. 

4- She also did this:

(Fell asleep on my sleeping husband, halfway through 'painting' on the iPad) 

5- And this:

6- And this:

A lovely day.

Today was a wonderful day. Nothing excessive. Nothing fancy. Just one of those perfectly lovely days, spent with my little birdie. And I figure, this blog is full of descriptions about cancer treatment, side effects and so on, so I wanted to write an almost cancer free post.

Seeing as tomorrow is chemo number three, and I'll possibly be spending the next few days feeling a bit average, I wanted to do something to make the most of today, this whole week really. Yesterday we spent the day at my sisters where little birdie had a ball playing with her cousins. That afternoon we picked my husband up from the train station when he finished work, but we got there a bit early. Instead of just waiting in the car like we usually would, I decided to take her down to the station platform. She loved everything about it! Riding down in the glass lift, walking along the long platform, and especially watching the train come in and looking for her daddy through the carriage doors. On a bit of a side note- My dad takes my sisters two eldest children, 5 and 3, on an 'adventure' every week. They catch the ferry into the city and then the train home to my sisters, stoping along the way to explore anything from tourist attractions, to toy shops, parks we used to play in as kids, museums etc, and they have an absolute ball. So today, when my husband suggested little birdie and I take the bus over to a friends place when I was carless, I jumped at the chance to take her on her first bus ride.

After a relaxed morning, little birdie had her nap and I got everything in order. I packed our bags, lunch, and her backpack, and planned our journey. We were only travelling to the next suburb, but that made it no less of an adventure. When she woke up we walked in the sun to the bus stop, just up the street. She pointed out birds, told me all about the different coloured flowers we saw, saw puppies, very messily ate her jam sandwiches, and then waited for the bus. When she saw it come around the bend she stared at it with both her eyes and mouth wide open. We were the only passengers on the bus and the driver, Colin, was absolutely lovely. He asked all about little birdie, some questions she even answered herself, and he didn't seem to be in a rush to drive off either. When we finally took off she seemed a lot more nervous than I expected. At first she sat on the seat right beside me but after going around a sharp bend, she sat, or rather laid, in my lap. We arrived at our first destination, the train station, Colin made the people about to get on the bus wait and move aside so little birdie and I could get off safely. From here we began walking to our friends house. Again, little birdie loved describing everything she was seeing. This time, as we were walking along the main road, she also had plenty of trucks and 'big cars' to point out.

After about ten minutes walking we arrived at my friends place. She has a son who is a few months old than little birdie as well as a newborn baby, so little birdie was thoroughly entertained all afternoon. And we had a lovely afternoon too, full of tea and cake. My husband picked us up on his way home from work and not only was little birdie very excited to see her daddy, but my friends son (who hardly knows my husband) also seemed quite excited. He gave my husband a tour of the backyard, and when they came back inside, he was in my husbands arms hugging him. Then, as I got in our car, I saw a big pink bag on my seat, inside which was a box full of decadent cupcakes. What else could I want?

When we arrived home the three of us relaxed, and played, for an hour, and then i started to get dinner ready. We all ate together, then I took little birdie for her bath, but before she got in she insisted on using her potty (and did successfully) for the second time today. After the bath she came and sat with my husband and I, brushed her teeth, got dressed, and then spent 10 minutes 'reading' us her Aussie alphabet book. This involved pointing at the pictures and telling us what they were: 'Barbecue' 'Echidna' 'Frog' ' Horsie' 'Ice cream' 'Lizard' 'Quoll' 'Wombat' and 'Yabby'. And after that she had a bottle and went straight to bed.

So, like I said earlier, today was a lovely day. A day where I didn't think about having cancer, instead I though about being a mum and enjoyed the little things that seem so wonderful to my little birdie.

Chemo brain, frozen fingers, and fatigue

It's been two weeks since chemo number two and I'm feeling good, but it's been a busy two weeks, hence the long wait for a new post.

My sister and 12 week old nephew were my chemo buddies this time around, and, apart from the fact that my chemo brain was in full swing and I apparently kept repeating myself, which my sister was too embarrassed to point out, we had a lovely day. I seemed to react differently to the chemo this time though.

The frozen gloves that I wore, without a problem, last time were extremely cold and painful this time. My left pinkie and ring finger felt like cement and were absolutely throbbing and frozen so I ended up taking the gloves off, and now the tip of my pinkie is still numb.

The other big difference was that I got tired, really really tired, before I even finished receiving the chemo. Afterwards we went back to my sisters place and I could hardly keep my eyes open. The next three days I was so tired I could hardly function. The worst day was the saturday, two days after chemo. It was raining and absolutely freezing. No matter what I wore I couldn't get warm. At one point I had on a long sleeve top, a jumper, my husbands warmest hoodie (with the hood on), a beanie, and a scarf, and I was still cold. And as much as i tried, I just couldn't get warm or stay awake. The following day was my nieces third birthday party and, luckily enough, I was feeling a bit better so little birdie, my husband, and I went. There was an adorable petting zoo and little birdie absolutely loved seeing all the animals. All she talked about for the next few days was watching her cousin feeding the baby lamb with a bottle. Although I was feeling better than I had been, I was still feeling off. I was in a bit of a daze and felt like I was in a bubble, separate from everyone else. It was the first time I've been in a big group of people i know since losing my hair which I think added to this feeling, even though I was wearing my favourite scarf and fringe.

I've had a few other small side effects this time. I've had some pimples like last time, mainly on my scalp (a balding scalp plus pimples, how attractive) but not anywhere near as bad as they were before. I'm still trying to get my stomach sorted but unfortunately I'm either constipated or the total opposite, neither if which are fun, but I haven't had any nausea or vomiting so I'm happy. Also, I did start to get a bit of a sore on my tongue a few days ago, but luckily it reminded me that I have to wash my mouth out after every meal (which I'd kind of forgotten since my last treatment) and it has disappeared. My hair has continued to fall out, in much smaller pieces since shaving my head, and this afternoon I noticed that a clump of my eyelashes have fallen out. I'm hoping its just a coincidence and not a sign that the rest will fall out too, but I'll just have to wait and see.

Little birdie has been adorable as usual, but a but cheeky lately which has been tiring. On the other hand, she has been especially good when it comes to going to bed at night and nap time, and even asked to go to sleep before her nap the other day, so I'm not complaining.

Right now I'm looking forward to the next week. We are catching up with friends this weekend and hopefully I'll be doing the same next week until chemo on Thursday.

Bye bye hair

The inevitable has finally happened. My hair is gone.

It started falling out a week ago, which coincidentally was the same day i finally went wig shopping. On Monday night I noticed a little more hair than usual coming out when I brushed it. I wasn't sure if it really was my hair falling out or not, so I pretty much spent the next hour putting my fingers through my hair until I actually pulled a small chunk out. It almost felt like I was pulling Velcro off my scalp. I wasn't tugging at it, I just pulled lightly and I heard it coming away from the roots.

From then on, every time I touched my hair, more and more would fall out. By the end if the week i had a whole bin full of hair! On Thursday night I noticed bald patches at both of my temples but I still wasn't ready for the big shave. By Friday afternoon it had gotten so bad that I put a thick headband on before my husband got home because I didn't want him to freak out when he saw me. When I woke up on Saturday morning I looked absolutely ridiculous and knew it was time. I've read about people having family over, a party, or shaving their heads at the hairdresser with a bottle of wine, but I didn't have time for that. It was 9am and I couldn't handle looking like George Costanza for another minute. I sat down in the bathroom, put on some Lana Del Ray, and my husband got to work. Little Birdie sat in my lap and watched on totally amazed while my head was being shaved. She even picked up one of the (plastic) shaver attachments and pretended to shave her head too.

Then, when my husband was finished, and I was totally bald, I got to shave his head. We had talked about him shaving his head with me, but he doesn't have much hair because he shaves it regularly, so I thought he was only joking. I was surprised at how good shaving his head made me feel, as did seeing our matching hair styles. Since then I have been experimenting with all kinds of head wear, and trying to get used to seeing my very white scalp. It's been too hot to wear my wig but I did get a fringe wig thingy which I love!

Tomorrow will be three weeks since my first round of chemo and two days till round two. I'm hoping I handle it as well as I did last time, but I guess we won't know till my next post. Wish me luck.

Happy Easter & chemo week one

It's been a week since my first chemo and I'm still waiting to feel sick, which is quite a strange feeling. Chemo itself was surprisingly lovely. My husband came with me, we watched a movie, chatted with other patients, were given yummy snacks, and all in all had a nice day. All the nurses, and even the pharmacist, were great. They spent plenty of time explaining my medications and how I would feel in the days after my treatment. I was in a great mood, so much so that my breast care nurse told my husband that I was 'on a high' from the steroids I'd been taking, and that in two days time I would have a big low as they left my system. I didn't quite believe her and thought she was just surprised at how well I am handling everything, but just to be safe I organised for my mum to be home with me that day. Unsurprisingly I was totally fine that day, and every day since. (I hope I haven't just jinxed myself by saying that.)

I have had a few side effects so far, but not really the ones I was expecting. The first thing i noticed was that my taste buds have started to change a little bit. I only notice when I eat certain foods, like citrus, but the most notable is chocolate. and it's Easter. Can you believe that? The next side effect i noticed was my skin. I've started to break out like a pimply teenager! I have horrible red pimples on my face, neck, chest, and even arm. This was totally unexpected but Little birdie seems amused by it. We sing a song about spots when playing sometimes, and she's been singing it to me and pointing at them. I've also had a very upset stomach for the last three days, which hasn't been pleasant. We were supposed to go out for Good Friday but couldn't because of it. Luckily it was better yesterday, during the day at least, so we were able to go to my sisters for a big Easter lunch. It was lovely, and delicious, and little birdie had a ball. While we were there I noticed that my left palm has started too feel a bit numb, like I've fallen over and stopped myself with it. This is apparently nerve damage from the chemo drugs. Lovely. Apart from that we had a great day. We even had a visit from our neighbours in the afternoon who gave us a beautiful plant as a welcome present and also to let us know that they are there to help anytime we need.

We also received some good news yesterday about ivf. We now have 9 embryos frozen, ready for us when we are able to continue our family, which is a great result.

All in all its been a great week, and the best thing has been Little Birdie. She has just been so happy and affectionate and entertaining, and easy! Bed times have been a breeze, and when I've been tired she has played happily by herself while I've rested on the lounge. She is such a smart little girl. She even spent 5 minutes entertaining my husband, dad, and I yesterday singing a made up song about chickens! Almost every single day my husband and I find ourselves saying how lucky we are. Having her more than makes up for all the bad luck we've had.